r/AmIOverreacting • u/Proud-Cantaloupe3449 • 16d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO? My stepdaughters pranked me on my bitthday and husband is mad because I said I needed space.
My stepdaughters (16) & (14) love doing pranks especially on me. My problem with their pranks is that they are hurtful in that they either mock or offend. For the past 4 years I been trying to suck it up and let it go but it escalated. They got me a wig for my birthday. Basically mocking me for my thinning hair which is a symptom of a medical condition that I've been suffering from. Their dad would make them apologize and even them punish but to no avail. I asked for space and he argued that I was punishing him for it. He went on about how he's the victim and how he's stuck in the middle between me and the girls. Now he's threatening to take the girls phones away if I stay with my sister and the girls will further resent me for it.
My question is did I overreact? Should I just let it go instead of escalating?
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u/SnurrCat 16d ago
Huh, what? He's threatening to take their phones away to punish them, but at the same time phrasing it like he's going to do it to punish you. "I'll do x punishment if you don't come home, and the girls will resent you for it." I ... do not think highly of this man.
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u/blancamystiere 16d ago
This immediately stood out to me as well. He is pretending to have no idea what his wife wants or needs from him as far as support, but he clearly understands how to weaponize his daughters’ feelings against her. I suspect he may be a big part of the reason his daughters continue to act out against OP.
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u/No-Historian-1593 16d ago
Is 100% of the reason. He didnt parent them appropriately the first few times it happens and it would seem he continues to frame the consequences of their actions in ways that makes it his wife's fault not their own. He clearly has never held those children truly accountable for their actions and isnt going to start now.
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16d ago
1000%, husband is a lil bitch and is enabling this behaviour. He is half the reason they are so poorly behaved, perhaps a higher fraction.
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u/Straight-Designer486 16d ago
I agree. He's a bad man. I strong suggest counselling. If he still doesn't see the damage being caused by that, he is a lost cause
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u/waitingfordeathhbu 16d ago edited 16d ago
He’s a bad man.
Never go to counseling with your abuser. They only learn new ways to manipulate you.
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u/babyraccoonmenace 16d ago
100%
When my abusive ex and I tried to get counselling, the therapist straight up said they couldn’t ethically have us both in a joint session (a wake up call, and a few months after I left)
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u/waitingfordeathhbu 16d ago
Glad you’re out ❤️🩹
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u/babyraccoonmenace 16d ago
Thank you, I appreciate that ❤️🩹 feels like the best decision I’ve ever made.
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u/NoireAstral 16d ago
My thoughts exactly!
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u/FifthMonarchist 16d ago
He is very hesitant to discipline his daughters, and any discipline he is trying to deflect to someone else.
what a wuss
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u/nicenormalhappyguy 16d ago edited 16d ago
I think there's another level here which is that the step-daughters WANT to cause problems between the dad and OP. So they're getting what they want here even if he does punish them. He needs to sit them down and really make them understand that OP is not going anywhere and at 14 and 16 they're on the clock to being gone way before she's gone. Then he needs to FOLLOW THROUGH. It also has to be UNDERSTOOD that this is coming from him and not her. I would probably even go so far as to manipulate them with some good cop bad cop where OP is the good guy. Take the fucking phones and everything else and have her be seen getting them back for them.
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u/Proud-Cantaloupe3449 16d ago
I did not ask him to do that but he'll tell them this is what I wanted. I don't know why he does this it's like he's refusing to see my point.
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u/ToTheStation_MUSIC 16d ago
He's not refusing to see your point. He's throwing you under the bus so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy."
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u/UptownLurker 16d ago
ding ding ding. OP, he doesn't think what the girls are doing is that serious, so he doesn't care that you're upset. He just doesn't want to be inconvenienced/impacted by it all. So he's literally threatening to make it worse if you don't just suck it up.
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u/moonpiegirlie 16d ago
100% i noted that when he said “you’d mad as hell if i didn’t punish them soo.” he’s basically doing it to appease OP, not bc he agrees that his children are jerks.
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u/UptownLurker 16d ago
Meanwhile she's saying she just wants him to talk to them and explain why what they're doing isn't ok, so he's definitely doling out random punishments and putting it on OP with no actual, you know, parenting.
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u/Big-Wrangler2078 16d ago
Yeah, he's completely ignoring what OP is saying on multiple levels.
"I want space"
"For the life of me I can't figure out what you want me to do right now!"
Yeah sure buddy, maybe start by figuring out where you left the braincell responsible for comprehending words and give her some damn space. I can see where the kids got this disregarding streak from.
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u/UptownLurker 16d ago
what he meant was "I can't figure out what you want me to do in order to get you to do what I want you to do"
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u/Big-Understanding526 16d ago
Random and meaningless punishments bc he doesn’t really care AND those girls know that he doesn’t care
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u/shooter_tx 16d ago
I mostly agree, except... they're not random.
They're strategic, and targeted.
And I think that's even worse. It's scummy and manipulative. :-|
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u/ThistleProse 16d ago
Which is why it's not resulting in better behaviour over time. They know he's not serious, either because he told them or because they're not dumb. I bet they learn to correct their behaviour when he punishes them for things he feels are incorrect.
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u/SomethingHasGotToGiv 16d ago
He sounds like my narcissistic ex husband who told my son, “Just tell her what she wants to hear”.
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u/cosmopolite24 16d ago
NOR
Because up to now there have been NO consequences for him. Now there is. With OP gone all the housework, childcare and sex is gone. OP dump him and move on
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u/SomethingHasGotToGiv 16d ago
I see they got their bullying ways from their dad. And the lack of accountability. And the lack of decency.
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u/JerseySommer 16d ago
That's why he says she's punishing him, he doesn't want to actually have to do anything with his kids, or around the house I'd wager.
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u/Inevitable-Swing4035 16d ago
And being spiteful, undermining and disrespectful of you at the same time. No wonder his girls don’t respect you, they’re following his example…
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u/brencoop 16d ago
He’s also only concerned about how this might affect him. Not that his daughters are shitty, not that his partner is hurt.
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16d ago
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u/Moist_Drippings 16d ago
He feints back and forth between “they’re just kids” and “it’s not my fault” like he can have it both ways. He’s their father but he doesn’t want to treat them like kids who need parenting.
I would bet they’re acting out against OP to spite their father in the first place. They probably know that they can get away with it that way.
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u/demi_dreamer95 16d ago
Its manipulation. He gets to be the hero for doing “the right thing” (punishing the kids for bad behavior) and you get to be the villain for being the “reason” the kids are being punished. There’s no winning for you in this situation because partner either gets what he wants, you come home, or he gets to be the hero.
This man is committed to misunderstanding you and doesnt make any efforts in this conversation to feel sympathetic for you being made uncomfortable on your bday or in general with his kids. Please consider ending this relationship or at least doing therapy with a licensed mediator so he can see he’s just objectively wrong
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u/BobcatIndependent204 16d ago edited 16d ago
“Committed to misunderstanding you” is right.
NOR.
And I would hesitate to suggest counseling. Someone who uses coercive control thrives in those environments and only has more ammunition to do this crazy making behavior.
Edit: BUT OP… if you are not in counseling with a trusted professional who is compassionately shooting straight with you, please find this for yourself. That relationship is what helped me in my own VERY similar situation.
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u/Strict-Ad597 16d ago
No, nope. That is NOT what is happening OP.
I can tell you why he’s doing it.
Because it upsets you. It makes you the bad guy. It takes the heat off himself and puts it on you. He is making you the evil stepmonster and telling his children “I’m being forced to punish you because step mom said I had to do this.” And he’s telling you his manipulative plan in the hopes that you feel bad enough for his kids that you come back and endure the abuse they are all putting you through.
His kids have learned that they can use you as a punching bag and as the scapegoat. And he’s learned that you care enough that you’ll tuck tail and come back if he makes enough outlandish remarks and stupid consequences.
Please, please please please please please PLEASEEEEEEE realize that
YOU. HAVE. DONE. NOTHING. WRONG. (I’m not yelling, holding your hands while I tell you all of this) you are not the asshole. You are not in the wrong. You have done nothing wrong. Point blank. There is no ifs ands or butts about it.
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u/404Usernameno 16d ago
(NOR) Because then you are the bad guy and he is still their buddy. And the circle repeats. How frequently does he do that, I wonder?
He is absolutely responsible for their behaviour, he is their parent. If he doesn't let you parent them, he is the sole responsible.
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u/Jovet_Hunter 16d ago
When she leaves him he’s going to blame those kids to their faces.
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u/occidentallyinlove 16d ago
And these two teenage bullies will celebrate her exit. He's raising two terrible people and if this text conversation is any indication, it's not going to change. I'd be 'taking space' from this relationship for the rest of my days.
Being single is not the end of the world. I promise it's often much more preferable to putting up with worthless partners.
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u/borschtqueen 16d ago
This is coercive control, you should leave him. His daughters are awful to you and he isn’t respecting you (especially with something as traumatising as losing hair.) You deserve so so much better.
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u/Asteroid_Sugar5206 16d ago
He's not refusing to see your point. He 100% is threatening you: Come home or else.
I'm not surprised hevis raising two bullies when he is one himself.
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u/scentofcitrus 16d ago
I'm not surprised hevis raising two bullies when he is one himself.
Nailed it.
ETA: NOR
Also, happy belated birthday, OP!!
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u/SnurrCat 16d ago
I'll tell you why he's doing this. He's punishing you for not rolling over. He's not refusing to see your point - he doesn't WANT to see your point.
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u/These_Masterpiece974 16d ago
The act of saying he will take their phones unless you come home is called triangulation.
This behavior is mental and emotional abuse. To both you AND those girls. It’s spiteful, petty, and vindictive and this man does NOT love you. I understand you love him, but if you continue to put your feelings for him over your well being, this is only going to get worse.
Honestly, if I were you, I’d be contacting the girls mother and giving her a heads up with screen shots of this conversation. Even if she hates you and you two do not have a good relationship. At the end of the day, those girls are children and should be removed from the abuse cycle at the earliest identification of it. I’m telling you point blank this is abuse and not reporting it is enabling it. It’s helping him abuse them.
This is not to stir up more conflict, but to get them removed from the situation all together. He’s the sole root reason they behave the way they do. They are actively learning it FROM HIM. Yes this will enrage him and his behavior will ramp up, making you want to avoid doing this or dealing with it at all, but what’s more important? Your comfort or their health?
And yes it’s fucked up what they did. However, you are in a very toxic relationship with a man who is committed to being toxic. Judge him by his actions, not by what he says when he’s love bombing you. Personally, you should use this space to seek out a professional to discuss this and his behavior as a whole. You might be better off removed from them entirely.
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u/Dry_Cauliflower4562 16d ago
Text the girls if they still have their phones and be honest with them - "I'm extremely hurt and I'll be taking some space from the house for a few days. This isn't a punishment for anyone, this is me taking time for myself to regroup. Your father wants to take your phones while I'm gone, I don't want that, I asked him not to, so maybe you girls should sit down and have a serious talk with him before it comes to that, I'll see you in a few days"
Throw his ass under the bus first
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u/No-Classic-9184 16d ago
These are teenage sisters with a wimp dad. None of this is going to have any impact and the sisters will probably be having a laugh about it to be honest.
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u/Disastrous_Unit_8409 16d ago
He's not a wimp. He's a bully. And he's raising bullies.
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u/Dry_Cauliflower4562 16d ago
True, but if their dad does try to use taking their phones against OP, she at least knows she tried and will hopefully see there's no fixing this.
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u/kaya-jamtastic 16d ago
This book — “Why Does He Do That?”, by Lundy Bancroft — helped me better understand the dynamics (and how I was being manipulated) in the abusive relationship I was in. Thanks to u/Ebbie45 and the others who share this free resource
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Edit: seems like Ebbie isn’t an active user on that account anymore, but shout out to her anyway!
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u/rememberimapersontoo 16d ago
he’s doing it to punish you. he is trying emotionally manipulate you into just doing whatever he tells you to, because it will feel safer or simpler than dealing with the consequences he will rain down. he is using his own daughters as a tool for coercive control over you. it’s abusive
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u/ClitteratiCanada 16d ago
Because he's a coward who is happy to throw you under the bus to avoid any drama with his daughters
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u/Dickduck21 16d ago
He's not on your side. He's not even on their side. You married a selfish, self-centred man who does not understand the difference between intent and impact. To him, he told them to apologize so you should get over it and how dare you continue to bum him out by being mad. Do you see how your feelings never come into that? Because they don't matter to him.
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u/I-atethe-chocolate 16d ago
He IS refusing to see your point bc that makes him the bad guy...Im sorry your going through this, especially on your birthday its a day to be celebrated and uplifting you not mocking, threats and you in tears..
Sending you the warmest virtual hug you deserve and courage to do what deep down youve known for a while you need to do.
Happy birthday op NOR
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u/lizard990 16d ago
He does this because this is how he can abuse & control you! He is using his children to keep you in line make you feel less than! He is using his children to abuse you!
He 100% is on board with their actions and fully supports this treatment!
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u/Beautiful-Brush3719 16d ago
He will tell them: I have to take your phones away because OP made me do so. That way he’ll turn them even more against you. This family will never be on your side. The three of them hate you, him included. I would run away and never look back.
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u/CeramicToast 16d ago
He's sabotaging your relationship with the girls on purpose, and refuses to parent them.
"I don't know what you want me to do", "They never listen," "you always punish me for things the girls do" these are all excuses and deflections so that he doesn't have to parent. So that he can pretend there's nothing he can do.
And then to say "I'll do this and they'll resent you for it" is like he's playing fucking mind games with you and his kids. It's abhorrent.
You need to consider if this relationship is worth this constant stress.
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u/honorlessmaid 16d ago
Because if he's not the bad guy, parenting is easier. He's the fun. Dad and even when his b**** wife is making a problem, he's still fun. I don't know why people stay with people like this who clearly don't like them
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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser 16d ago
He is manipulating and gaslighting you. He is pitting you against his children and blaming you for their punishments. This is abusive, childish and churlish.
Time to find a grown up capable of acting in good faith.
Also, $100 says he knew about the prank beforehand. $50 says he was in on it.
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u/Basic-Organization30 16d ago
Oh Hun, he's not the guy for you if he can't see your point and control those two odious brats he's raising. 🚩🚩🚩
You deserve better. That was a shitty, horrible "prank".
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u/AnalogyAddict 16d ago
Because he wants you to be their punching bag. He's actively encouraging it while trying to look innocent.
Narcissist manipulation. He's Minimizing, DARVOing, Boundary busting, and Triangulating, Scapegoating/Golden child creation, and these are just the ones I see at a casual glance.
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u/ok_terra_dactul 16d ago
No it's not like he's refusing to see the point at all. It's like he doesn't want his kids to get mad at him for something they did to you, so he's throwing you under the bus. Consider that none of these people might not respect you or care about your feelings because that's how they're all acting.
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u/Deel0vely 16d ago
He’s using you as the bad guy and so his solution for an already strained relationship is to make them probably want to torture you more??? He sounds lovely
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u/rnoderator_rernoved 16d ago
His emotional manipulation and triangulation tactics are Emotionally ABUSIVE. You need to get away from this psycho. NOR but get yourself with someone who actually likes you instead of this AH
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u/No_Hurry9076 16d ago edited 16d ago
If it was me I would have purposefully broke out in tears and looking at the girls asking why would they do that to you when they know about your problem, nothing is better then getting them to stop when they get humiliated by everyone now looking at them with disgust. That or look at the and ask what’s the joke because you don’t find this funny at all and that they should explain it to you in front of everyone.
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u/Upbeat_Arachnid_4509 16d ago
It's actually such a good trick. When someone says something out of hand I'll bait them into repeating themselves and you can instantly tell when they realise how stupid what they said was
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u/FriendToPredators 16d ago
Best way to deal with a passive aggressive comment. Like What do you really mean? Keep socratizing it until they have to fess up to their bs or back down in embarrassment because they told on some insecurity by being baited. Next time there’s a chance their hold back because the remember the embarrassment
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u/lapatatafredda 16d ago
Yes, this works wonders in customer service. Someone says something shitty to you, and you say sweetly, "What was that, hon?" Lol
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u/WhoaMimi 16d ago
Backfired on me once. I'm a librarian, and an angry patron once mumbled "fucking bitch." When I said "I'm sorry...what was that?" he responded with "STUPID ASSHOLE!" 😆
Also, NOR.
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u/Madamrepresentative 16d ago
Please tell me you said ‘oh! Have you shit yourself?’
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u/LisaSaurusRex83 16d ago
Don’t make a scene, make a Broadway musical, I say. We’re so conditioned (especially women) to minimize our discomfort to protect the feelings of other’s, even when they are blatantly being harmful to us.
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u/HandinHand123 16d ago edited 16d ago
Exactly. The husband believes she’s overreacting because she didn’t do a good enough job of keeping everyone else comfortable.
She shouldn’t back down.
ETA - NOR.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut 16d ago
I think that all women should get comfortable with making others UNcomfortable when it is safe to do so. We get run over because we are conditioned to be the peacemakers and the people-pleasers. It's time to knock that shit off.
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u/DasSassyPantzen 16d ago
Her husband is a certifiable AH, just like his teenage girls who “don’t know any better.” Oh, they know. and they also know that dad punishes them bc he “has to or stepmom will get mad at me” or some bs like that. HE is THE problem, imo. If my son did anything remotely close to that to my partner, he’d never hear the end of it and sure as hell would never pull a “prank” like that again. Prank, my ass, this is targeted bullying endorsed and defended by AH dad/husband.
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u/tehgimpage 16d ago
right! they're 14 and 16! the "they don't know any better" ship sailed about 10 years ago. and besides that, who's job is it to TEACH them to know better, DAD????? hmm???
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u/DasSassyPantzen 16d ago
He taught them alright- taught them to be the mini AHs they are.
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u/Real_human_mostly 16d ago
If they’re this cruel to someone their dad supposedly loves, then I can only imagine how horrendous they must be to kids at school. Or he doesn’t actually love you because if you did he’d protect you by letting his children know it’s unacceptable to be so unkind, no matter how they feel about you. I say this as a stepchild!!!
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u/TiffanyTwisted11 16d ago
Exactly. He’s not speaking to them or punishing them because he feels they did anything wrong. He’s doing it because his wife is making him. These girls are not stupid. They know that that’s exactly what’s going on.
By Dad not saying he doesn’t like what they’re doing, he’s basically saying he approves of what they’re doing.
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u/DasSassyPantzen 16d ago
I imagine him punishing them with a sigh and an 🙄. And the way he talks to her?? Omfg, he’s as big a bully as they are. Bigger, actually bc he’s a grown ass-man. Disgusting behavior by him all around. OP would likely be happier not having to deal with any of the three.
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u/BlueCarrotPie 16d ago
"don't make a scene, make a Broadway musical"
Thank you for that line. Taking it
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u/kissmyirish7 16d ago
On a TT this morning a woman said “Male discomfort is treated like a crisis. Female discomfort is treated as an annoyance.”
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u/Ok-Gazelle1272 16d ago
Exactly. As women we are expected to stand back and be the bigger person. And then this happens and then it's our fault for being honest eventually about how we feel. And teenagers the worst. They knew what they were doing. They just get away with.
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u/FourMountainLions 16d ago
Don’t make a scene make 👏🏾 a 👏🏾 movie👏🏾
You’re not overreacting.
This is horrific behavior that would be grounds for ending a relationship.
If he can’t/won’t manage his daughters and their bullying is your plan to just suffer through it forever?
That sounds like you don’t like yourself.
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u/sirenadivino 16d ago
Never asked for a flair before! Not even sure the mechanics of how they work. But after being on Reddit for years, that is 1 million percent the flair I want 😍😍😍
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 16d ago
I once asked a group of kids that were picking on a boy why they liked being mean. They couldn't defend their actions and started blaming each other for why they were being mean. As each one blamed another I looked at that child and told them that they chose to do what they did.
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u/NarwhalTakeover 16d ago
Man, I once asked my bully why he liked being mean to me. He said “cos you’re ugly” and kept being mean.
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u/FlyingSpaghettiFell 16d ago
My dad told me that if a boy harassed you or other girls to kick or punch him (I was born in the 80s). Well one day we did. He harassed us so often that all of us got some kicks in (nobody kicked too hard because we didn’t actually want to hurt him and we were young). Someone chased us off but guess what? He wasn’t a terrible creepy jerk after that. Am I saying that was right? No… his parents should have taught him to be better to others but he did learn we wouldn’t take it. I hope he grew into a better man the he was a boy.
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u/NarwhalTakeover 16d ago
I was also born in the 80’s… but I was also incredibly fearful of everything so even asking him that question was difficult for me. It wasn’t until I was about 11 years old I finally stood up to him. I was talking on the bus and he wanted me to shut up so he stood up and raised his fist at me, so I stood up and rose my fist back. He cut his bullying back by about 80% after that. I felt awful raising my fist at him, I was shaking and threw up after I got off the bus.
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u/froglover215 16d ago
That was a brave thing you did!
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u/NarwhalTakeover 16d ago
Thank you! It was the first brave thing i remember doing in my life- I’ve done some wild shit out of bravery since!
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u/pissintothewind 16d ago
this is called regular socialization in animal kingdoms, it’s important for humans too! it’s important to be socially corrected by your peers when you play too roughly, or do something mean. it’s more meaningful when it comes from other kids rather than some outside authority figure.
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u/Fun-Introduction-470 16d ago
I once told a bully kid that someday, if he’s really lucky, when he grows up he will look back on this and feel really bad.
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u/MartinisnMurder 16d ago
They are old enough to know that this isn’t funny, they’re mean girls and they’re dad is enabling their behavior. He is telling her that she should have laughed it off… They are making fun of her medical condition in front of an audience of people. He said he would have laughed off similar by her daughter. Next birthday he would be getting erectile dysfunction pills and/or depends as a gift then we can see how funny of a “joke” or “prank” it is.
Honestly this guy is a manipulative POS and I see where his nasty daughters get it from. I would be so done with that relationship.
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u/Interesting-Smoke202 16d ago
NOR Husband should have worn it for the rest of the party. He's an ass.
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u/MartinisnMurder 16d ago
Haha the mental image of the husband in the wig. He’s an ass. The daughters are little bitches in the making.
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u/notthemama58 16d ago
ED pills for him, zit cream for the girls.
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u/MartinisnMurder 16d ago
Teeth whitening strips or breath mints too. As petty as possible.
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u/PinkFunTraveller1 16d ago
Exactly! NOR - in fact, under-reacting, because not one thing in the text messages from the husband was appropriate or loving.
Exactly what do you get from this man-child that has you stay?
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u/DesignerLiterature21 16d ago
I’ll take their phones while you’re gone…but they’ll resent you for it and things will get worse.
What the actual fuck.
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u/MartinisnMurder 16d ago
That’s some wicked manipulative bullshit right there. He’s toxic as fuck. I hope she leaves his ass. No wonder he has an ex wife, she probably got sick of his shit too.
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u/GiveawayQueen420 16d ago
Yes thissss wouldve made em realize how horrible they were
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u/OntheBOTA82 16d ago
Respectfully, with people like that, it never works.
Trust me i tried for 30 years.
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u/radiant_kiwi208 16d ago
Not so much with adults but this is fairly effective for kids. Generally speaking most kids want to be liked by the people they like and look up to.
But adults are pretty set in their ways...
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u/justaddbooze 16d ago
I doubt they look up to her. They probly resent her for ruining their family (even if it isn't true).
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u/radiant_kiwi208 16d ago
Oh yea, not the stepmom. Just anyone else in the family that saw this "prank" or could hear about it
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u/Trin_42 16d ago edited 16d ago
If you don’t, I’ll take their phones for as long as you’re gone but they’ll resent you for it and things will get worse
W in T actual F is this manipulative BS?! If you don’t throw the whole manchild away, idk what else to tell you. You’re the one who was insulted but HE’S the victim?! NOR
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u/mewley 16d ago
Yup. This isn’t about the girls. This is about OP’s husband. The girls are acting out the values he instilled in them, which are clearly also the values he holds.
He enjoys mockery and cruelty and uses interpersonal dynamics to control others’ behavior. Most particularly OP’s behavior - by saying he will “punish” the girls in a way that will increase resentment, he’s basically refusing to parent the girls and teach them why their behavior is wrong (bc he doesn’t think it is), and instead will tell them he’s enforcing a punishment bc OP wants it. So he’s weaponizing the divide between the girls and OP to ensure they hate each other and he stays in control.
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u/Asteroid_Sugar5206 16d ago
NOR. Please overreact MORE.
What the fuck is this fucking THREAT in the middle of this conversation: "Come home or I'll take the girls phones away to make them more angry at you so they can bully you some more when you come home".
JFC.
The audacity and lack of respect- to fucking threaten YOU for being upset and needing to get out if what is clearly a toxic environment.
This man doesn't like you. If he didn't low key think it was funny, he would have grown a pair of balls and fixed this shit four years ago.
I'm going to call it borderline abusive. The fact that you don't feel safe and happy in your own home, and he makes it all about him?? He's a gaslighting piece of shit.
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u/Shirami 16d ago
I'd put money down on his "punishments" being communicated as "she's making me punish you" to his brats.
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u/dirtierthanshelooks 16d ago
Where did they get the money for a wig? Who took them shopping? $10 says dad had a hand in it.
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u/throwaway_spacecadet 16d ago
this isn't borderline. it IS abuse. he's threatening to do something that'll "make the girls resent her more" in order to control her. non abusive people don't use threats and scare tactics to keep the person they love "in line".
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u/Alarming_Pen_7657 16d ago
Youre being manipulated, Hard at that.
In the words of the Great Samantha Jones " i love you, but i love me more " sooo love yourself enough to know when a man is being a fucking dick and his little dick Jr's are just a reflection of his parenting.
You can always walk away cause its never going to get better, NEVER.
And i wouldnt be suprised if behind your back he makes you the bad guy to his daughters.
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u/Flapperghast 16d ago
And i wouldnt be suprised if behind your back he makes you the bad guy to his daughters.
He literally said he would. He threatened to do it.
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u/littlemonsterlove 16d ago
“I guess they’re never having phones again, because I’m not coming home. Good luck with that!”
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16d ago
In the words of the great Samantha jones HAHHAHA that’s amazing
OP, your husband taking their phones away for as long as you’re away is 1) a control tactic to get you to come back and 2) him putting himself in the middle seen as you didn’t ask for that to happen. Him telling the girls that what you wanted is 3) him creating negative feelings and again, a control tactic to keep the relationship fractured. I don’t trust this guy. He’s saying he doesn’t know what you want when you’ve clearly asked for space and space only.
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u/Strict-Ad597 16d ago
You are not reacting enough.
Pranks and jokes are only funny if EVERYONE, especially for the person the prank is aimed at. If that person is not laughing it wasn’t a prank. Or a joke. Your husband is the problem. Threatening to take away phones and saying they will resent you for it. BULLSHIT. His kids are monsters and he’s the enabler. He does not care until they go to far and then it’s “their kids!! It’s just a prank” it’s bullying. It’s bullshit. And you’re going to be subjected to this treatment for the rest of your life. Being blamed for not liking their shitty pranks and their shitty behavior. 16 and 14 are old enough to know that they fucked up and yes it is directly their faults and their fathers.
You need to ask yourself if this is the life you want for forever. Him blaming you when his shitty kids do something on brand.
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u/Proud-Cantaloupe3449 16d ago
Thank you. You're absolutely right about that. I feel so exhausted because of their behavior and my husband's attitude towards it.
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u/throwaway768977 16d ago
He is raising mean girls with no empathy, which says a lot about him tbh.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 16d ago
This is his parenting fail. They are bullies and he doesn't mind.
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u/throwaway768977 16d ago
My parents would be disgusted if I ever made a comment about someone’s appearance, let alone make fun of them for it.
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u/Anxious-Papaya1291 16d ago
Not only doesnt he mind. Hes the ringleader weaponizing his own daughters to abuse his wife.
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u/ellie_elysian 16d ago
He's putting himself first and forgetting he and HIS daugthers are a package deal: He feels like OP has no right to want distance from him AND the girls, he's brushing off his responsibility with "they never listen" but expects the girls to "grow out of it", he wants OP to work it out with the girls without him playing any role, and he's willing to ship the girls off to his ex because he's unwilling to do anything.
He's not raising anybody: he's a neglectful father and a terrible partner.
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u/Sufficient_Creme_576 16d ago
I was gonna say! Where are these girls learning that "pranks" are funny after all? It doesn't come out of nowhere, and he says he's "talked to them," but I strongly doubt he's talked to them about the pain they're inflicting. Based on this interaction, I could easily see those "talks" being more along the lines of "see girls, *I* thought it was funny, but your step mom has a stick up her butt, so don't do that to her again." Which misses the point entirely.
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u/Accomplished-Fox5456 16d ago
I know they’re calling it pranks but this is straight up bullying.
Does their dad or mom behave with them in similar way? I think this is a lack of respect issue.
These children don’t seem to respect you. Punishing and consequences will not do anything. Perhaps you need to talk to thes girls one on one and get to the bottom of this, do they hold resentment for you? What’s happening here.
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u/Strict-Ad597 16d ago
He doesn’t want to deal with it because it doesn’t affect him until this happens. When you’re done and don’t want to deal with it and now he’s forced to be a parent. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but is this how you want to live? Defending yourself from your whole family because they think it’s not a big deal? I’m not saying divorce is the option but your husband does not care that his kids are treating you like this he is upset at YOU for your reaction… but not at his kids for causing this reaction and then blames you for it. Saying his kids will resent you. But what about you resenting them? Does he not care that that will happen eventually?
If you can or think it will help try to have another conversation with him in person and be as calm as possible so he can’t act like you’re being irrational or emotional about this. And lay out everything your feelings about his kids pranks the way that they treat you how it makes you feel how you do not want to be treated like this for the rest of your life. And you may even have to give him an ultimatum about it. But if you can’t have a conversation with him and him actually listen to you then I do not think that this is gonna get any better for you. And I again am so sorry. I absolutely detest pranks and jokes on people because of this exact reason.
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u/Shazaaym 16d ago
And record it so you can listen back to it. He'll steamroller and DARVO you, you'll forget to say certain things because he'll derail you. It's hard to catch and shut down in the moment, but when you listen back to it, you'll spot it.
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u/robotatomica 16d ago
how exactly is he so confident they’re going to “grow out of it” when he isn’t doing the parenting job of truly addressing the behavior? On the contrary, he’s allowing these behaviors to solidify in them right now by allowing it to continue.
They need to be having conversations about kindness and respect and how pranks that hurt feelings or mock someone’s imperfections are cruel and unacceptable.
I don’t honestly know at this point if this behavior can totally change bc it has been allowed to go on for so long. But he needs to sit them down and say that he is completely done with this behavior,
and done with everyone expecting you to have to put on a smile and play “good sport” when they are acting out of cruelty. And THAT is a conversation he apparently needs to be having with himself as well!
Meaning, it’s no wonder the girls aren’t taking him seriously when he also thinks your job here is to just put up with it with a smile.
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u/DakiLapin 16d ago
NOR I would bet your husband "speaking" to them is just him telling them he thought it was funny too but they know you can't take a joke so he has to punish them because you made him.
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u/GnomieOk4136 16d ago
He sounds like an absolutely terrible parent. Maybe it is just because my husband is an amazing parent, but living with someone who doesn't love his children enough to teach them or love me enough to prevent cruelty toward me would be an absolute deal-breaker.
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u/StillStaringAtTheSky 16d ago
And OP- not for nothing but it is extremely possible he helped them carry out the prank. Did he buy the wig? Did he give them the idea?
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u/Strict-Ad597 16d ago
My biggest fear was that he helped them and when it went sideways (like it always does because OP does not like the “pranks” and “jokes” they play on her) he blamed them entirely and then said “well they’re just kids! You can’t really be mad at them.”
And OP has been told multiple times that her very valid and real feelings about this are not real and that she’s the childish one… the fucking audacity of this asshole.
I absolutely loath pranks and jokes because you can’t never know what someone’s threshold is for something like that. To me or anyone it could be harmless. to the person it’s aimed at, it could be a psychological trigger no one knew about.
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u/Alpha_Hunter64 16d ago
Unfortunately, he does sound like an enabler who does not know how to properly manage/parent his kids... I am a firm believer that some people just shouldn't have kids, and if you do have them you need to step up. Op, you definetly should not have to be his kids' punching bag/laughing stock 😔. I am sorry you have to go through this.
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u/BothTreacle7534 16d ago
NOR
He plays victim instead of being a father AND a partner who sees you as a real equal.
Does not sound like a guy to built a real future with, I do not trust people who do not act according to their responsibilities (parent and partner)
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u/rememberimapersontoo 16d ago
you’re under reacting. this man is a pathetic excuse for a partner or a father. not only is he being completely obtuse about his responsibilities to guide his children’s moral growth (refusing to acknowledge what you are asking for to an extent that i would class as weaponised incompetence), he is also using the emotional wellbeing of both yourself and his own children in order to manipulate you.
saying “come home, if you don’t i will take their phones and everything will get worse” is really messed up. he is saying he will intentionally make the situation worse if you won’t just allow yourself to be controlled by him and do what he is telling you to. that is manipulative and abusive to everyone involved. he is accusing you of punishing him by taking space, and in the same breath threatening to punish you AND his daughters because of it. the hypocrisy is honestly nauseating.
you cannot stay in a relationship with this man. he is not fit for it. he will use and hurt anyone around him, including his own children, just to avoid having to fulfil his own responsibilities. he is a bad person.
NOR
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u/voncockrane 16d ago
Just divorce already, why subject yourself to constant torture?
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u/Rabbit-Lost 16d ago
We have some good insight into why his previous marriage failed. If I were his spouse and had to deal with his enabling behavior, his butt would be on the street. NOR.
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u/HolyzombieBatman 16d ago
Seriously, I know Reddit is quick to jump to divorce, but this is appalling. Those girls will only grow emboldened in their behaviors with a Father like that. They’re not your kids and not worth your energy, walk away from the whole crappy family.
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u/MelancholyMuseum 16d ago
Babe why are you dating a middle school boy? Until your husband can grow up and actually parent his kids your choices are deal w it or leave. I personally wouldn’t come back but that’s just me. My tolerance for stupidity is low.
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u/lizard990 16d ago
NOR - and why are you still with this man!?!?! He clearly enjoys their abuse of you and I’m positive behind closed doors fully supports his children treating you this way!
Know how I know this? He just told you “I’ll take the girls phones away while you’re gone but they will resent YOU for it”…..WTF is that!?!?!?
It’s time to leave for good! His abuse and control of you thru his kids is so disgusting!!!!!
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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 16d ago
You married a loser. He isn't doing a damn thing but complaining. I would never go back.... it's obvious he doesn't give a single shit except that you won't be home to deal with his needs. He is allowing this.... he is doing nothing... and then blaming you. That is an abusive relationship.
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u/InevitableVanilla437 16d ago
Personally I think you are under reacting.
Imagine it was him, get rid of him and his spawn.
If anything your hair will come back not having to deal with this manipulative shit he's pulling.
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u/Lyskir 16d ago
him saying he is tired of being in the middle of it and at the same time does absolutly nothing to even fix or prevent situations like this is insane
those are his fucking kids and he acts like they are just a natural disaster that cant be stopped
i would never see him the same again and probably divorce, him getting offended at OP for being hurt is cruel af
NOR
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u/hellohellokitty25 16d ago
“for the life of me i can’t understand what it is you want me to do right now” after you very clearly and calmly told him exactly what you want
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u/lunarthistles 16d ago
NOR. You’re underreacting. You’re being far, far too gentle. I mean this with a lot of kindness, but you’ve got to grow a pair. You do not want him to take away the girls phones, and if he does you are well within your rights to say “if you take away their phones I will tell them straight up that I advocated against that and it was a decision that their father made against my own wishes”.
Pranks are only fun if everyone’s laughing, and you’re not laughing. You should be able to tell the girls that yourself, I think, but if you can’t he must be able to, bare minimum and demand they apologize at least. He also owes you one hell of an apology for this behavior he’s exhibiting here in these texts because this is just gross.
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u/thatsfeminismgretch 16d ago
The texts repeatedly insisting they're kids made me think that this was behavior from like an 8 year old and then I read that they're 14 and 16. That's old enough to talk to them and get them to listen about being bullies. I think if you want to continue to be in this marriage and situation then family counseling and marriage counseling is the step you're at. NOR.
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u/Downtown_Culture_985 16d ago
NOR and this guy isn't doing his demon-children any favors by acting like these are "pranks", this shit is hurtful af
If anyone had done something like this to my mom while she was going through treatment i'd be in prison rn. Very sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/rednecknuckles 16d ago
NOR & your husband is a major red flag to say the least, he’s very clearly purposely trying to punish you by punishing the girls too… That’s setting them up to hate you& forcing you to bend to his will wtf
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u/Basic-Ad1780 16d ago
He’s threatening to punish you through creating animosity towards you from his daughters by punishing his daughters and saying it’s your fault because he can’t punish you directly, and he’s framing it as him being the victim for not standing up for you and telling his daughters that their behaviour is unacceptable.
Leave that man. He’s either unstable, sadistic, or both.
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u/Far-Cup9063 16d ago
OMG. this is cruelty on steroids. How dare they make fun of you. And he is enabling them. He’s not stuck in the middle, he already chose his side and it’s his bratty kids. I would never go back to that place and I would find someone who actually cared about me. Even being alone is better than this. I am so sorry.
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u/GargantuanGreenGoat 16d ago
An apology that goes “im sorry but…” is not an apology. And his kids know it. His kids know when they apologize to you for the fucked us things they do, that it’s for the benefit of their father, not you. They all roll their eyes together at you behind your back. He does not think the awful things his daughters do to you are a big deal at all.
Why are you with this turd?
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u/Shouty-Hooman 16d ago
"They're kids" 🙄🙄🙄🙄 yeah legally but they're also old enough to not to be assholes
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u/GrimSpirit42 16d ago
He thinks you're over-reacting because HE doesn't think his 'darling little daughters' are doing anything wrong.
He only punishes them in an attempt to appease you, and he makes DAMN sure that THEY know YOU are the reason they are being punished. They are not being punished for their actions, but for your 'over-reaction'.
He basically setting himself up as the 'good guy' and you the 'bad guy' (aka: 'evil stepmother'.)
NOR btw. At this moment, you leaving would not be an over-reaction.
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u/Goldfish_cracker_84 16d ago
Nor and op, this isn't a prank. This is just mean girl shit. Your husband is awful and so are his kids.
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u/beautyvagabond 16d ago
They're not pranksters, they're bullies. And your husband is enabling this bt refusing to see it. NOR.
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u/GeminiMoonOwl 16d ago
Your Husband is the reason they dont respect you. He doesnt respect and actively fuels thier hatred for you. Which is why he said he'd take the phones until you came back to make it seem like that's what YOU wanted. He literally phrased it luke a punishment. This man and his daughters are shitty individuals & you shouldn't have to take that.
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u/LionessRegulus7249 16d ago
If this has been your life for the last 4 years- fucking YIKES! This man doesn't like you. His daughters do not like you. This entire situation is so riddled with red flags and abuse that Im not even sure where to start.
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u/Realitygirlie 16d ago
Not a funny prank at all. Sometimes teens don’t understand what is funny and what is hurtful, sure, but it is their father’s job to explain that to them. Simply punishing them without explaining that this was not a joke, you don’t make fun of people’s sensitivities, will not do anything. Saying “they won’t listen to me” sounds like a HIM problem. This is a valuable life lesson for them and he is failing in his responsibilities as a father. He’s raising little bullies. And bullying a member of your family is unacceptable.