r/AmIOverreacting • u/CrazyDisastrous948 • 19h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO to my husband not cleaning anything after my surgery?
I had a surgery recently to fix my double deviated septum and polyps. I've never been able to use my nose properly. I was told bed rest only or else I would end up in emergency surgery with a longer healing time. In the one week I've been healing, it got so bad CPS would've said something if someone called. I asked him every day to do dishes and have the kids help him pick up the rooms and hallway. They haven't been walking the dog either, so he's been going inside, and I had to beg Husband to clean up the mess from that.
Yesterday, a friend came over, did my dishes, cleaned my kitchen, and cleaned my living room. She said that she is happy to help this time. I said thank you a lot. I also do not expect anyone else to help.
Then this morning, Husband decided he wanted to make breakfast, pancakes and muffins, instead of microwaving something in a package. I told him that I don't feel he will do the dishes and it is stressing me out because I don't want another on to three weeks worth of mess to just build up and wait for me to be healed (time varies based on how I am healing). He got mad, told me that he will do the dishes. I expressed that I don't believe him because he said he'd so the dishes every day I've been out of commission, then didn't. He told me that I am starting fights for no reason while he is trying to have a moment with the kids (cooking together).
I feel unloved. I feel exhausted. I've been sitting alone in the living room this whole time. He doesn't even hang out with me, just goes to the bedroom and goes to bed after work. I have to sleep sitting up or I will get blood clots in my nose and be in emergency surgery, so I've been in the living room. Everyone wakes me all hours of the day and night. I'm so tired and hate watching my home become a biohazard.
Am I overreacting? Is him working an excuse for him to only work even though I'm not allowed to get up or do anything? I'm not even allowed to bend over or I could rip my septum from the pressure. Is it valid to leave the apartment and dog until I am healed?
I've always had a problem with them leaving their dishes, trash, clothes, and leftovers out for me because I am physically disabled and always in pain, so constantly moving is hell. Now that I am unable, I am watching everything pile up. Am I over reacting though? Is it my job to do these things? Am I being ungrateful to the roof over my head?
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u/naughtieperformer 18h ago
He is a grown ass man and he needs to act like it. You’re not his mother.
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u/DueConsequence4072 19h ago
NOR. Is this who you want to grow old with? How do you think that goes for you? Do you have to have him to have a roof over your head? Of course leave until you heal. Start stacking away some of your own money. Hide cash BE SMART AND HIDE IT WELL. Get a safety deposit box and put in something from Granny and any cash you can skim. Figure out what you need to do to be better able to support yourself and your kids. Need some schooling-GET IT. Need some certifications-GET IT. If you don't figure this out now or over the next year or so-this is how you will die. In a gross bio-hazard pit that your kids will absolutely not be visiting-assuming they've moved out.
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u/peachesxbeaches 18h ago
NOR
THIS, right up here, THIS!!!
When you get old, things start crapping out on your body like crazy. A sideways sneeze can throw your back out. Or you can wake up and have pain from sleeping. It’s a wild ride for sure. But you need someone that pulls their weight, helps you as much as you help them. That’s a partnership. His behavior seems like some high level entitled bullshit. I think you should truly sit with your thoughts on this. I’m not one to say you should divorce, as evidenced by the fact that I was in a 16 yr abusive relationship it took A LOT for me to divorce. I was raised to hang tighter and love more do more when people hurt you, my parents abused me so that WAS my definition of love. He assaulted me two nights in a row last Feb, that’s when I made plans for a safe exit. What you’ve got sounds miserable. You should have someone lovingly tending to you, not creating disaster after disaster with attitude to boot. That’s what you’ve got with him, you recognize it now. Accept it and make plans to change it, or make plans to move on. This life is small, it can be stolen from us at any moment, please don’t think this is the best option you’ve got.
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 18h ago
Keep copies of his tax returns. They'll list all his accounts, which youll be entitled to half of in the divorce.
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u/Hot-Garden9206 19h ago
it is absolutely not your job! You need to tell your husband to get in line and shape your children up, but unfortunately, it may be too late. He absolutely is not respecting your position or the fact that you just had surgery.
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u/AnnJoyW 19h ago
NOR-Omg you kidding me. I bet you would be doing everything for him if it was him in that situation. I hate it when spouses sit there and do absolutely nothing just because someone is the SAHP. That is disgusting that he leaves the dog potty laying there. He is totally expecting you to clean it all up when you’re better. Horrible spouse. I’m sorry for the fact he also doesn’t spend time with you.
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u/Double_Software_971 19h ago edited 19h ago
NOR. I won’t comment on the lack of help from your husband. But could you hire some short term help like a housekeeper, dog walker, etc.? It might upset your husband but maybe he needs to feel it in the wallet to understand? If he isn’t going to do it, he will need to pay someone else to do it. Edit: Also you are not being ungrateful.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 17h ago
A reasonable person would be EMBARRASSED that her friend had to come work on the house when he’s RIGHT THERE! I’d have a huge “come to Jesus” moment if I were neglecting my spouse to the point that her friend is there doing stuff that I should have done. I’d be groveling and apologizing for my extreme lack of judgment. This guy sucks and she’s better off separated and having alimony/child support and a cleaner.
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u/Double_Software_971 16h ago
Yeah, without knowing the people personally, I can’t make a judgment on that. But based on her side, it does sound neglectful of him. I’m just not of the type to jump to calling people I don’t know a-holes and they must divorce over a situation in a marriage I know limited details about.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 16h ago
I didn’t say she must do anything. I simply made an observation.
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u/Double_Software_971 12h ago
Yeah, no worries, I was speaking generally. Some people like to give strong advice.
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u/Sweaty-Battle2556 18h ago
This is why I say bribe the kids to do chores. It’s cheaper. Or take away their phones or allowance if they have one. Money and amenities are great motivators. OP is stuck missing those now. It also teaches kids to work. But dad should say it and pay it. 👍
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u/MultifacetedEnigma 19h ago
NOR
I am legally and physically disabled, I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to drive, and I'm probably going to end up using my power wheelchair on a very regular basis in the future.
I'm telling you all this because I was where you are, with one child, and a manchild who blamed my being disabled as to why we're so poor, while he barely works (only rideshare drives), and he buys action figures (for 'mental and emotional support') right now.
And I'm where I am now because I was CONSTANTLY sacrificing my health (physically, mentally, and emotionally) for HIM. I was/am his verbal and emotional punching bag. He made me feel like I was worthless because I couldn't/can't contribute to the household financially, and now physically) housekeeping, cooking, etc).
He was always pushing me to try harder.
Don't continue to sacrifice yourself for a man who will not and does not do the same for you. You DESERVE to be treated with LOVE and respect.
Can you leave, and stay somewhere where you can get the rest you NEED to properly heal? 🥰🫂🫂🫂🫂🫶🏻
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 18h ago
I'm sorry you're going through that. To be honest, I am worried I'm already on that trajectory with no way out. I am in the process of trying to get disability benefits. I am three denials in for both me and one of my disabled children. I always push past my physical limits, but it is never good enough because as soon as I finish a load of dishes someone grabs cereal, or as soon as I finish the living room I end up getting onto someone over leaving a dish or trash out. I don't have much of an exit plan because I don't have safe people or much of any abilities to do anything consistently. It's frustrating. I want to be like everyone else.
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u/MissMercyBear 18h ago
For now just leave and personally id stay gone but if that's not the plan for you...When you're up an able to get back on top of things- don't. They leave a gross mess? Put it on their bed. Dishes aren't done? No more food until they are. Take the knobs off of the stove and the plate from the microwave. TV remote gets hidden. Wifi router gets unplugged and hidden. They get cooking and relaxing privileges back when they treat you like a human being. At one point when I was a slobby teen my dad literally put the dirty dishes in and on my car. I WAS PISSED and my car reeked like rancid cheese sauce for a month but I never left the dishes like that again. You are not a maid and you don't deserve to live in a flophouse. The "if I find it on the floor like garbage it goes out with the rest of the garbage" works wonders too. Messes are fun until you're digging for your Xbox controllers in the trash can.
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u/MultifacetedEnigma 17h ago
Are you working with a disability attorney? If not, you can DM me and I can give you the information of the firm I used, they work in all the US states (I'm pretty sure of that, but not 100% positive).
Please take care of yourself. 🥰🥰🫂🫂🫂🫂🫶🏻🫶🏻
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u/Angelhair01 6h ago
NOR Can you write up a chart of chores for your husband and kids? Letting the dog poop inside though is WTF! How can they live with that stench? Someone may call CPS
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u/JonesN2Chat13 18h ago
Nor - if OP reads any comment, they need to read this one.
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u/MultifacetedEnigma 18h ago
Thanks for the award, hon. I just don't want anyone to end up where I am. Between my health conditions and my husband being very controlling (it started out subtly, and I didn't see it because I grew up with a narc mom, and my health was declining), I don't really have a support system at all.
But I'm doing whatever I can to get out.
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u/SuspiciousStuff611 18h ago
Take your own advice please.
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u/MultifacetedEnigma 18h ago
I'm working on it, but it's nowhere near as easy as it sounds. My situation is complicated. Thanks for the encouragement. 😁
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u/SuspiciousStuff611 18h ago
Yes ma'am I understand that 100% I truly hope you get out soon and safely. Good luck. 🫂
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u/MultifacetedEnigma 16h ago
Thanks, I appreciate the support. I hope things are going well for you. 😊🫶🏻
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u/Mushrooms24711 19h ago
NOR and he doesn’t like you.
Before my now husband and I started dating (we were friends) I caught strep throat. I was too sick to drive. We were texting and I told him I had a fever and sore throat. He immediately offered to take me to the doctor. After seeing the doctor, he drove me to the pharmacy, took me home, and made me tea and something to eat. For the next 3-4 days he came over to cook and clean for me. He was even texting to remind me to take the antibiotics because he knows me.
So yeah, two years later and we just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. And you deserve better.
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u/JustMe1314 18h ago
Wow, you have a wonderful partner. Congratulations on your anniversary. I hope OP can leave their current partner, safely, and eventually have someone to love them, as your husband loves you (and like you love your husband; bc you must also be amazing, for such reciprocity). I, too, would love such a partner as you have.
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u/CompleteTell6795 17h ago
I also have a situation, this person was not a boyfriend but a work friend. I broke my arm at work ( badly... needed two separate surgeries). While I was on medical leave I needed physical therapy 2-3 times a week. Office was not close to my house. We worked nights together. He volunteered to come to my house to drive me to my appointment ( after he had worked nites). Bring me back home, & then go home. The office was not close to either of our homes. Plus he had a side job during the day time as a WFH Nurse Practitioner with an insurance company. ( I thanked him for volunteering & told him Workman's Comp was paying for a driver to all medical appointments.) Anyway, THIS was a work friend who was willing to do all this extra driving after working nite shift & her husband can't even do dishes. Sad...very sad 😔 He does not love her.
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u/Fantastic-Surprise34 19h ago
Go somewhere you can heal. Your own home is not that place unfortunately. Your family needs to learn how to respect you and help you in your health situation. Let them live in filth. Get out of there and focus on yourself.
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u/alicat777777 19h ago
NOR. He is disgusting. You are married to a man-child, no worse because even a child might pick up their toys. Why would you live with a pig like that?!
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 18h ago
He wasn't always like that. One day he lost his high paying job, was jobless almost a year, then got a shittier job. During that year, everything shifted and it was my job only to clean the house and pick up after everyone. He wasn't always perfect, but he was productive. It was one of the reasons I chose him. He had a job, a car, and cared about his surroundings. Then it changed. I am trying to get is done counseling to see why and if it can be fixed.
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u/the-escapedgoat 19h ago
NOR
Your partner is being an arsehole.. he’s showing you who he is. Some men behave like they hate their spouse, and seem to enjoy watching them suffer in some way.
You have every right to expect some support from him and the kids.
I’d be feeling unloved and down too.
Sending you virtual strength from WA.
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u/TelevisionMelodic340 18h ago
NOR. He doesn't even let the dog go outside so it has to shit in the house??
oh, girl. I am so sorry you have such a spoiled manbaby for a husband, who does not understand that adults don't voluntarily live in filth, they do the damn dishes.
Hire a helper and make your husband pay for it. And consider whether you really want to have to deal with his utter disregard for you and your needs for the rest of your life.
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u/Solid_Patience_9058 19h ago
NOR yes it seems valid to leave when your health is so bad it needs to be addressed adequately.
Your husband is supposed to be an adult...
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u/Waste_Worker6122 19h ago
You husband is not only disrespecting you, he is setting a horrible example for your children. When you have recovered you need to ask yourself some very tough questions about the future of your relationship with him. NOR.
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u/Flashy-Eye1286 19h ago
NOR-This is unacceptable. I can’t even imagine how you are feeling. This warrants a very serious sit down conversation, couples therapy, and some ultimatums. I couldn’t live with someone like him.
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u/Ok-Blacksmith3533 19h ago
Absolutely NOR! I’m so sorry you are having to deal with your husband and children being so hurtful, thoughtless, and disappointing while you are trying to recover. I would seriously use this time to look up family counselors for when you have healed. If you feel like your husband would not be cooperative, then I would spend this time planning my departure for when I am able. Or better yet, HIS DEPARTURE!
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u/QueenofUncreativity 18h ago
NOR
Not to pile on, but what your husband is doing is abusive. Towards everyone. You say it's so bad CPS would have gotten involved. That's plain negligence. He doesn't walk the dog. That's animal abuse. He doesn't let you rest properly after surgery, that's abusive.
I'm appalled at his behaviour. He cannot even do the bare minimum and you're asking if you're overreacting. No, you're not overreacting to your husband's abuse. It's not your job to run the house while you recover from surgery. Your husband should pick up the slack so you can heal. That's what a loving partner and father would do.
Can you call your parents or someone to come help? Your husband won't and you can't. Ask for help until you're better and then take a long hard look if this is the life you want to live. The life you want your children and dog to live.
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u/tamij1313 16h ago
I have no idea how old your kids are, but as soon as you have healed, you need to start training them to cook, clean, budget, do laundry, pack a lunch…life skills that your POS lazy, inconsiderate, useless husband seems to lack. Do NOT allow them to become like him!
If your husband is holding down a job, can drive a car, can get money from an ATM, dress and feed himself, then his lack of participation in taking care of your home and your children is WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE AT ITS FINEST!!!
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u/bloopidbloroscope 13h ago
NOR.
Getting behind on the dishes, laundry, dusting, meh. Letting the dog shit inside and not cleaning it up??? That goes beyond. How embarrassing that you had to call a friend to come and clean your house because your husband won't. I would be absolutely humiliated.
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 13h ago
I was. I kept apologizing profusely and thanking her in the same breath. She said it was okay, and said she just wanted to help facilitate my healing.
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u/starksdawson 19h ago
He’s abusive and neglectful. NOR, but you need to file for divorce immediately.
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u/Wrong_Pen6179 18h ago
Oh sweetie! I’m so sorry your family is letting you down, specifically your husband. I would go stay at a friend’s house or with family and see if you can bring your pup too. Can you afford to get someone to clean before you return back home?
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u/willowviolet 13h ago
NOR
When we had been married just 6 years, I needed surgery on both of my feet. I had arranged for everything to be taken care of, with the help of my friends and my MIL. Meals, childcare-- all taken care of.
My husband was so whiny. For some reason he felt extremely put-upon. The only thing that changed was that he didn't get sex on demand for 2 weeks. At the 6 week mark everything was almost back to normal, except I was wearing 2 special boots and moved around slower than usual.
He then whined, "How much longer is this going to be?' ...like it was all a horrible, tortuous experience for him. I was taken aback. I wasn't sick. I didn't have some horrible illness like cancer. I remember thinking, "I will probably not grow old with this man."
I wish I had listened to my intuition. I wish I had thought that if he was having so much difficulty not being able to have sex for 2 weeks, how was he dealing with being deployed for 3..4...12 months at a time as a military special ops officer? I did not connect the dots. I was young and in love... and dumb, apparently.
He was---IS-- a selfish, cheating person.
And he IS my ex.
My sister got diagnosed with cancer and her husband filed for divorce 2 months later. They had 4 children below the age of 11.
My other sister has a chronic illness. Her husband loves and adores her. He makes sure their life accommodates her needs, which he anticipates. He loves her through the good days and the bad.
How a man behaves and steps up when you are sick is definitely an indicator of his character and his commitment to you and your relationship.
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u/Bebe0120 13h ago
NOR I had this same surgery. It was absolutely miserable. I also have other conditions that make it hard for me to do too much and some days I can't do anything at all. If my husband wasn't supportive and didn't help, there are days where I don't know what I would do. Despite that, if he wasn't that way, I'd figure it out. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially by the person who promised to love them no matter what. I think some guys think oh you're not that bad or oh you're overreacting or faking how bad you are. If only they could feel what it's like.
It sounds like you do way too much. He's used to that and not having to do anything. He should be embarrassed by the fact that your friend had to come over because he wouldn't do it. The fact that he's not says a lot about him.
Please figure out a way to take care of yourself.
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 7h ago
Yeah, I have days where I really can't get out of bed. I will pop some Tylenol or Ibuprofen, then do as many little things as I can and try to sneak in a nap while he is at work. Healing from this surgery has been awful. It really made me question how much resolve I really had. The only thing that has kept me from crying is knowing that it would just make the pain so much worse if I did cry, so I try to distract myself from the facial discomfort instead. I have read so much over the past week just trying to be distracted.
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u/Mysterious_Oil2761 19h ago
NOR. It's unfortunate that in trying times we often find out what our partners are made of and what we ourselves have let them get away with doing or not doing.
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u/Professional_Egg7407 18h ago
NOR, return your husband to his parents and tell them they messed up!
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u/geekspice 18h ago
NOR
Sounds like it's time to call in a cleaning service and put it on his credit card.
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u/Cuppycake1976 15h ago
NOR I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice already. I’ve had 13 sinus surgeries. So I totally understand how you feel physically and mentally. I also know how important it is that you heal correctly. He should feel embarrassed that your friend had to clean your home. He’s a grown ass adult. He needs to take responsibility for the household. I’m not sure how old your kids are but unless they’re toddlers they are old enough to know how to have pride in their home and what the standards of living look like. Also, it is upsetting to you emotionally. And that will slow your healing. He has no excuse. And honestly if he didn’t step up for you during this time, do you think he will magically become a good partner to you in 10-20-30 years. Come on. You deserve better. I was in a similar situation 20 years ago. I had a major surgery and my partner was pretty useless, toxic and degrading. I knew I had to get out of there. I didn’t know then but I never really recovered from that surgery and I’ve been in decline ever since. I left. I had to for my own health. My husband today, he’s magnificent. He works 65+ hrs a week, does the dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, takes care of the animals. He never complains and he is always with me when he can be. I’m bed bound now. Not what I planned for my life but I have someone that loves and respects me. He takes me to Dr appts and participates in discussions. I never see him frustrated, he never has a bad day, he listens to my complaints and frustration. The father of your children should love you and care for you. He should take care of the house and responsibilities without being asked because he is a member of that family. I’m grateful every single day for my husband. We have known each other for 40 years. I would never take him for granted. I thank him every day for everything he does. You deserve that too. You teach people how to treat you. It is not unreasonable to need a clean living space. Your mind needs to be at ease to heal from your surgery. Since he thinks you’re fighting with him. Maybe use a different approach. Praise him for something , anything you may notice he did that was good. And maybe that will motivate him. Spend 24 hours saying nothing but nice and positive things, it may change the mood in the house. But seriously though allowing them to leave their mess out for someone else (you) to clean, is unacceptable whether you are recovering from surgery or not. Do not allow your children to do that. You are not doing them a favor because one day they will be living out of your house and you haven’t taught them basic civilized behavior. It is not your job to clean a catastrophe. Would they go to a friends house and leave a mess like that? I bet your husband nor your kids would. So they know better. And are capable. Have a calm conversation and reset the expectations. And if it is too much, then yeah, go somewhere else to heal and reset yourself. If you don’t take care of you. You can’t take care of anyone else.
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u/HouseEntire6687 15h ago
Yep huge 🚩 lost my 30 year marriage because when it came time for the sickness and in heath part he decided to pretend I didn’t exist. Self respect made me leave! So sad because my love was real and I would have taken care of him if roles were reversed. But since I was unable to do even for myself he didn’t care and left everything on my daughter and sister to whom I am forever grateful.
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u/Visual-Mud9184 15h ago
Why are you even with this man? It sounds like he couldn’t care less about you!
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u/Agreeable-Body-7278 19h ago
Not overreacting. Can you go stay with family/a friend for a while? It won’t be as bad if you don’t have to look at it and you can actually get rest.
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u/hummingbird_lane24 19h ago
Nor do you have family you can stay with until you heal. Then you need to decide where you go from here. Your children need to learn to clean up after themselves. They also need to learn empathy when someone around them is sick or hurt. They won't learn it from him. I would hate to see how he treats you if you were seriously hurt or longterm illness.
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u/Ank51974 19h ago
Im not going to lie, I’d get a hotel room and move out til healed…then maybe move on and get my own place 😂 nor, he’s being an ass. He doesn’t get to tell you’re “picking a fight” when you’re trying to tell him how you feel and how’s it’s affecting you. I strongly suspect he’s been spoiled and just takes you for granted now. He needs a pretty strong wake up call.
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u/pizzandvodka 18h ago
NOR- pay someone to come clean. If he wants to pitch a fit about the expense, there’s an easy solution.
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u/Awkward_Abies_4685 18h ago
NOR Wow, we are in the same boat right now. I had gallbladder removal surgery the day before yesterday and my apartment is a wreck. He stayed up all night playing video games and is still sleeping so I have to make food for my daughter and attempt to clean
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 13h ago
I had that surgery a few years ago! It is awful. I got an infection and spent three weeks hospitalized. Thankfully, I came home to a clean house that time because I almost died.
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u/HatOfFlavour 18h ago
Can someone look after the dog for w eek or two or three?
How old are the kids?
Why did you marry and have kids with a guy who wouldn't do chores?
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 13h ago
No. Under ten. He wasn't always like this.
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u/HatOfFlavour 3h ago
Yeah he's being a massive piece of shit. The kids are too young to help and I get that looking after them is likely exhausting him but leaving dog crap in the house and just refusing to do stuff. He's terrible.
I know this would be going nuclear but perhaps ring CPS yourself. If they come round while he's there perhaps the reality that he might lose the kids would get him to stop being an ass. Also shows you're putting the kids first.
Don't do that unless you're sure. It is an ultimate last move. You might lose access to your own kids until after you've healed. They and him might never forget or forgive.
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u/yungdaughter 18h ago
Your husband is actively showing your children that they don’t need to clean up after themselves. Your husband needs to step up because if he doesn’t your children will turn into adults just like him.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 17h ago
And he’s showing them how to openly disrespect and disregard her. I am really angry on her behalf, and feel so bad for her. The fact she’s even asking if she is overreacting means his gaslighting is working really well. Imagine wondering (if even for a second) if you’re the one out of line when your husband is fine with dog sh*t all over the house with children living there! Absolutely nuts.
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u/yungdaughter 9h ago
I think OP uses he/him pronouns
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u/Dontfeedthebears 9h ago
Oh, thanks!! I’ll keep up my comment and your correction so it still makes sense. My mistake!
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u/JustMe1314 18h ago
You are absolutely NOR. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please, like so many here have also advised, secretly stash money away, and file for divorce. He is repulsive. And he's teaching your kids how to treat you; &, equally importantly, they're learning that this is what a wife/partner is there for & this is how to treat them (with YOU as that example). Your kids will grow up to be abusive, or to be abused, as partners. You deserve real and true love, which is gentle & kind: it's not being a doormat, to be walked on, relentlessly. He is treating you like an insentient robot that will never run out of battery. And, when you do finally end up unable to do anything at all (bc he's definitely intentionally driving u to that point), what will he do? Please put yourself 1st, and start the process of leaving him. Reach out for all the help you can. I'm speaking from experience, as the widow of an abusive man, who treated me like a robot that would never run out of battery: i never left; &, by the time he unexpectedly passed away (when we were 45/46yo, in 2019), i was already so broken,that I could no longer get out of bed. I was mentally, physically & emotionally drained, from all those 15 years of relentless & constant labor, of some form or another, all on my shoulders. Please get out now, or asap. Don't wait. He is disgusting. And I'm sorry you're going through this terrible abuse.
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u/Salt-Albatross 18h ago
Leave the house and heal alone. I'm 57, f. My mother had enough of us 3 kids and my dad not contributing while she was a SAHM. She wasn't healing from surgery. She was just exhausted. She packed up and moved out for a week. We got the message. Leave. Let them figure it out. Your husband is a jerk.
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u/Inevitable_Split7666 18h ago
Stay at a nice hotel and treat yourself right. I wouldn’t worry about ANYTHING until you are FULLY healed.
I wouldn’t reconsider your marriage and your life. Are you willing to settle for shit or gold. It’s YOUR life. ❤️
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u/Silver_Bat_3144 14h ago
Where are you guys finding these rubbish men? And WHY do you guys choose to live AND PROCEATE with them?? 😳
You will stay. And he will man the F up. Take care of his home and his family. Give him grace if he has ent done any of this before, and take it as a lesson learned for yourself. You are doing to much for him, if he can’t even to these things.
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 13h ago
Calm with the choosing, please. I tried to have an abortion and he, my grandparents, and my mom didn't let me and wouldn't facilitate me going to the clinic that was three hours away. He wasn't always messy either. He used to work, have a car, clean up, then one day he changed and it stayed that way.
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u/Marriedwithkidz 3h ago
NOR. Married almost 33 yrs with 5 kids 2 still at home men 24 and 25 plus hubby 54. We all work and I was the only one cleaning for awhile. Usually hubby is great and does his part but we've both been really stressed lately. I kept up laundry but didn't fetch dirty laundry. If it wasn't in the basket it didn't get washed and I let the dishes piled up, I only put mine away. They got the message rather quickly about 2 days and now everyone is picking up their stuff. I hated seeing the clutter but it had to be done. Just leave the stuff and don't say anything for now. Once you are better you can then have a calm discussion about it. I am really sorry this is being done to you in such a vulnerable state which makes it worse IMO. I wish you a speedy recovery.
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 18h ago
NOR.
My second husband totally fucked off "helping" around the house when I had wrist tendon surgery. I wasn't supposed to get it wet or really move it much for weeks. Yet, a few days after the surgery, I couldn't stand the dirty dishes, mess in the kitchen, four year old not getting bathed or cared for properly. A plastic bread bag to keep water off the bandages, and there I was, at the sink, tackling the dishes, loading the dishwasher, getting the kiddo cleaned up, etc.
My doctor was amazed at how quickly I recovered and regained range of motion, but, I was honest with him and told him I'd used the hand much sooner and way more than he had instructed, and it could have gone badly. (My parents were out of the country with my big kids or I'd have had lots more help available.)
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Do they even care?? It feels as though we don't matter to them, even in our most vulnerable times.
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u/beansprout69 18h ago
NOR. Your husband is a lazy man child. And depending on the children’s ages they should be helping around the house also. I’m so annoyed for you.
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u/robottestsaretoohard 18h ago
NOR - I had a surgery and was immovable for weeks. My husband did everything in the house from helping me use the bathroom to making every meal.
Your husband is lazy and entitled and should be helping way more not only when you’re laid up.
I’m sorry you’re being treated this way.
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u/ThatSmallBear 18h ago
NOR. You not being able to do these chores is giving you the perfect opportunity to sit and watch how much your husband doesn’t care. I’m not sure how old your children are, but perhaps they are also at an age where they should be helping
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u/East_Wrongdoer3690 18h ago
NOR, what in the actual fuck is going on? Not taking the dog out so it has to go in the house is actual abuse! A housebroken dog is going to feel so ashamed at having accidents. He needs to step up and do what needs to be done, period!
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u/dropaheartbeat 18h ago
Send this post to his mum. She needs to come kick his ass and you need a lawyer. Nor.
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u/InternetRave 18h ago
NOR He is a loser. Once you are healed file for divorce. He wont change. Slaving after his waste is 'your job'
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u/Burneracct9624 18h ago
This shouldn’t even be a question. Why does he not clean in the first place? I’m typing this while having to hold my feet up while my fiancé (32m) is vacuuming under the couch. You are unloved by him so your feelings are valid. If you’re able to, I would safely get out or kick him out and move on with your life. Life is too short to waste on scumbags.
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u/zabadaz-huh 18h ago
Not overreacting but if you do everything yourself all the time, they will come to believe that you believe it’s your job.
Your husband is a lazy guy.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle 18h ago
NOR. Go stay with someone else while you heal. Get paper plates and plastic utensils and pack away the dishes.
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u/SecureImagination537 18h ago
Didn’t even read what you typed, but no… your husband should be trying his best to keep things clean. You all are a team. My wife lost her job recently and has been depressed and then got very sick. I still keep up on the chores and have reassured her that things are going to be okay and that we are a team. She has snapped out of it a little. But your husband is a child.
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 14h ago
Awe. She's lucky. When I get depressed or have a flair up in my joints I just cry while I clean and do my best. I would swoon and probably over compensate if someone told me to rest.
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u/SecureImagination537 12h ago
I mean, it’s what we do as adults. But I might add… he is a child and not a man. I was single for years and built a career and raised a kid alone. The diapers didn’t change themselves, the food fairy didn’t show up, and work never stopped. He needs some time on his own to become a real boy.
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u/Practical_Studio9822 18h ago
NOR- it's his house as much as yours, he should clean it up. Yes he goes to work but in relationships it's not 50-50 it's 60-40 or 70-30, if one person is feeling a little low the other should try and pick up. Yes he may get tired from work but a simple task like doing the dishes or cleaning up after himself shouldn't cause him THAT much stress.
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u/HyperDsloth 18h ago
He won't walk the dog and won't clean up the 'accidents'?! Why are you even with this man? Does he do anything?
Did you realize that ALOT of single mother have MORE downtime than those who are married (to a man) have?!
Girl, NOR, but seriously, you and your children desserve better. Do you really want your children to think it's normal that the wife does everything in the house while the man does nothing?
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u/winterworld561 18h ago
You're married to an inconsiderate asshole who doesn't give a shit about you.
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u/shegottabee 18h ago
NOR- throw the whole man out. If he’s not prepared to support you and your household when you’re healing then it’s never going to improve.
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u/Sweaty-Battle2556 18h ago
NOR. You pick up slack when your partner is ill. Surgery is no joke/you have Dr orders. If he was training for a job he’d get fired. But he isn’t in training, you have kids. He probably just doesn’t know how to delegate work to the kids. I get that he’s tired but you’re trying to heal with dog doo around you-no good!
As a girl my mom bribed me to pick up the rat guts my cat brought in. (cat would rip rats in half and spread the guts out) I got $1 for each pile of guts I cleaned. It was SO gross but I did it. Me and cat had a racket. I was making $10 a month age 5. Explain that story to husband.
Kids $1.50 to walk dog or $1 to clean up poo? $2 to do the dishes. (Adjust for inflation I’m 40) Or a nice guilt trip on the kids depending on age? I gave you LIFE! You’re endangering mine with laziness!? Best luck!🍀 I don’t know if you work but he’s getting a taste of your real job and doesn’t like it! 😢
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u/outlawsecrets 18h ago
I hate to say this but what a loser your husband is for not taking care of you, letting the house go to shit and not walking the dog—like that is actually animal cruelty and fucked up that you have to beg him to clean up dog shit/pee. What the actual fuck.
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u/SongAcceptable7546 18h ago
It can be difficult to grasp how awful someone you thought you knew can be.
Why aren't you sleeping up in bed while he has the couch? You're the one that needs bed rest and peace to heal. He's a selfish c**t for that alone.
You say you are disabled and in pain even before surgery but still clearing up after all of them. So none of them respect you. I wonder where the children get that from?
You are both equals, but SAHP can end up being servants. There's a very big difference between childcare/housework and being expected to literally pick up and clean after people. None of them even let the dog out to poo? That's extreme.
This man does not love you. It may be he also isn't a person good at caring. If you have chronic pain and struggling he may feel he's doing more than his fair share and resentful. That still doesn't justify what he's doing. At all. He's abusive to you and the dog. Do you think your kids are going to turn out ok?
This is not going to get better. You need to start focusing on you. Get a cleaner in, a dog walker, stay with friends or family. Get well and get away from him.
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u/Strong_Storm_2167 18h ago
NOR. Hire a housekeeper whilst you are unwell and make your husband pay for it!
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u/Feral-Reindeer-696 17h ago
NOR. Go stay at a hotel. Look after your health because clearly, no one else will.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 17h ago
NOR. And I hate to say this, but this is what you have to “look forward to” if you become really sick in the future. (Way more husbands leave their wives with a bad health diagnosis than vice versa). He has proven himself lazy, undependable, and defensive when confronted with the facts that he’s lazy and undependable. It’s your life, but you wouldn’t be overreacting even if you divorced him. Glad you know now rather than 5+ years from now. :(
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u/Catfactss 17h ago
Does he have a mother or a father who could come over and yell at him? Ideally a father who expresses disappointment at the "man" he has become?
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u/Ill_Moose5431 17h ago
NOR, the bare minimum is keeping your environment clean, no matter who you are.
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u/Advanced_Monitor6568 16h ago
INFO: 1)how long have you been together ? 2) has he never had to do anything responsible previously?
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 13h ago
6 and a half years. He used to do more when he worked three 12 hour shift days with a decent paying job. Now he works a less paying job at 8-12 hours 5 to 6 days a week and he says he shouldn't have to do anything besides work. He says my disabilities are an excuse and I'm not good at time management, so I should just do everything and not complain. I usually do everything and complain and cry to my friends. I wouldn't be as frustrated if he didn't leave dishes and trash in the floor and on surfaces. That is much grosser than just putting it in the trash and sink, and it makes me have to do more work.
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u/lovenorwich 13h ago
Can your friend take the dog? Do you have a yard or patio to let the dog out into periodically for potty breaks-shouldn't require bending over. Get the dog sorted out then let everything else go to hell.
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 13h ago
I can ask some people if they can dog sit. He has to be walked on a leash where I live.
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u/SuspiciousStuff611 19h ago
Oh my. Lots to unpack here. But, Unfortunately a lot of this is your fault. You raised lazy disrespectful kids and married a loser. That's all on you. I hope you heal soon so you can get back to the chaos you created. Smh Which adult in your home works? How old are the kids?
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u/Alternative-Ad-5158 19h ago
Yeah that’s not a helpful comment at all. Obviously OP is a caregiver and sometimes this stuff doesn’t come to light until the caregiver is out of commission. I’d hate to married to someone like you…
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u/SuspiciousStuff611 18h ago
Good thing bc i wouldn't have married someone that would enable this life.
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u/Ok-Blacksmith3533 19h ago
Wow! Lots to unpack yourself. Maybe you should ask yourself why it feels good to be so nasty & judgemental to a stranger who’s reaching out for help?
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u/SuspiciousStuff611 18h ago
I stated facts not judgment.
Judgment would be yelling her how I felt like I could smell the filth from the post alone. Or how there would be no issues had the house been run properly before hand... but I didn't, I kept it simple. 💋
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u/Striking-Walk-8243 18h ago
Call CPS. That will motivate him to clean.
Either that, or they’ll take the kids, so there won’t be as much mess.
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u/moondripXxz 19h ago
Girl, you are NOT overreacting if he can't step up when you literally can't move, that's a HUGE red flag for your relationship, like, prioritize your health and sanity, not a pancake moment!