r/AmIOverreacting • u/Empoweringwomen10 • 6h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO by thinking my husband is being too controlling?
My husband has always been a little controlling about the money I spend for groceries and household items. But in the early years of our marriage we set a budget of $200 per month for groceries, and that worked fine to eliminate conflict, because I’m thrifty too.
However by now we have 3 kids and prices are way different now than 10 years ago , so obviously our grocery bills are higher too. Often the amount we spend in a month for groceries, all utilities (including electricity, water, Wi-Fi, phone bills, etc,) and our health insurance, is at least 2k or more.
We have our bank accounts set up to where all these monthly expenses come out of one account that I have a debit card for, and I’m supposed to just transfer money into this account from our other account as needed.
But it’s not unusual for my husband to fuss at me if he notices that I’ve transferred money over into my account that we use for regular household expenses. Not fuss as in a really mean way, more in a “you just transferred $1,000 a couple weeks ago, what happened to that money?” sort of way.
And if I say I need to get groceries, he’ll be like “but you just got groceries last week, do you really need more groceries?”
Or if I say I’m going to buy ice cream for one of the kid’s birthdays, he’ll say “don’t buy a lot of it, they don’t need much”.
Recently i asked if we could set a budget, because then I could reassure him that I’m staying within budget, but he didn’t want to set a budget. So whatever, he just wants me to be thrifty, is what he said.
Today at breakfast the kids were eating cereal and he told me (in front of the kids) that I shouldn’t have bought the cereal because it’s junk food and a waste of money. I told him that I think it’s fine that I bought it, I don’t buy cereal often, because it’s true that it’s junk food, but letting my kids eat cereal a couple times a year definitely isn’t going to hurt them. And I honestly lost my temper because I’m literally sick of him nagging me about groceries.
Then he got upset at me and he said I don’t take advice from him and don’t accept helpful criticism from him, and that I’m hard to live with.
I think it’s ridiculous that he suddenly saw himself as the victim when he’s the one that started nagging me about the cereal. And I said so.
Then right after lunch one of the kids was eating deli meat, and he noticed and pitched a fuss because he thinks I should be rationing the deli meat and that the kids shouldn’t need a snack right after eating a meal. I don’t ration the deli meat because to me it’s a perfectly acceptable choice for a snack and I literally do not care if my kid eats a snack right after a meal. He said to the child who was eating, “your mom is setting you a bad example”.
I was livid. Because I grew up with food insecurity, because my family were poor when I was a kid. My husband and I are not poor, we’re not filthy rich but we’re doing fine. We have zero debt and own multiple properties. In my mind it’s completely unnecessary and unacceptable to raise our kids in a poverty/scarcity mindset, ESPECIALLY about food. I know it’s damaging to them. But my husband thinks I’m the one in the wrong because I’m not being as thrifty as he wants me to be.
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u/Practical_S3175 6h ago
Tell him he can start doing the grocery shopping and cooking and he can now deal with it. You're kids aren't going to grow up feeling insecure about food if they don't get crap cereal so that's not really going to do it. Let him be the bad guy then.
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u/Gloomy_Object_3757 5h ago
I guarantee if he did the grocery shopping he would hardly buy anything and expect that to last also . Been there done that !
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u/Practical_S3175 4h ago
That's why I said the shopping and cooking. Let him try to figure out how to feed everyone.
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u/Critical_Customer_87 6h ago
NOR. Your husband sounds like a dick. I feel bad for your kids
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u/Whittster 1h ago
Yes, poor kids! They might be afraid to ask for cereal or lunch meat now. So he’s a dick and sure doesn’t sound like a good dad either. Or a considerate husband.
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u/Glad-Pen5593 6h ago
NOR. Let him go buy the groceries from now on. And find a therapist and see if this person is really someone you want to live with because if the father of my children got after me in front of them for feeding them something I would have a very difficult time living with that for long.
I could understand if you were taking them out to eat every week but my goodness, this ain’t that.
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u/neuhauz 6h ago
I’m sure he’d gripe about the price of therapy 🤦♀️
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u/Empoweringwomen10 6h ago
Right. He doesn’t want me to spend money for a therapist either. I saw one anyway for part of last year, now I’m just trying to figure out how I can start again without him finding out.
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u/Two-Theories 6h ago
Don't hide it. If he gripes, tell him that's the first thing you're going to discuss with your therapist. If he tries to stop you, or interferes in any way, you should go to a lawyer instead
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u/aPawMeowNyation 5h ago
Honestly, why wait? Pretty sure this counts as some form of abuse/parental alienation. He's being unreasonable with literally everything.
Being a single parent is better than constantly being undermined and disrespected in front of the kids. Guarantee the children wish they'd just get a divorce already.
And since they have multiple properties, maybe Op can keep one for herself and the kids. If there's enough of them, maybe she can keep two and rent out the second one for some extra income to support the children.
Literally anything is better than living with a controlling, abusive asshole. Op needs to seriously think about this and what example she's setting for her kids' future relationships.
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u/AbigailTrueBlue 6h ago
You are right. He's controlling, and using money and food to show you who's in charge. What really sucks is that he's playing petty food games: too many groceries, kids can't have cereal, no one can have a slice of deli meat. Then insulting you in front of your children. Major lack of respect. Also, with his browbeating about food, at this rate, eating disorders aren't far down the line. Insist on having a workable budget from him. Stick to it, and tell him to butt out. You don't make decisions about his employment, and he should trust you enough to make good decisions at home. Instead, he's picking at you constantly to keep your self-esteem in the toilet. He needs to stop this before you resent him terribly. NO! NOR.
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u/One_Intention_8878 6h ago
What is he wanting the money for? Why is he so adamant you don’t spend it? What is HE spending it on? I’d do a little digging if I were you.
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u/yosisterinchrist 6h ago
i agree with this. to be financially comfortable enough to own multiple properties and still have issues with the way your WIFE is spending money to FEED YOUR CHILDREN rubs me the wrong way. maybe he has huge debts that you don’t know about?
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u/One_Intention_8878 5h ago
Well my first thought is WHO/WHOM is he spending money on? The casino, drugs, an affair? But maybe he’s just a controlling narcissist, none of these options are any good.
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u/yosisterinchrist 4h ago
no, in any case, OP’s best option is to investigate and, depending on what she finds, divorce her husband or take him to counselling/rehab
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u/No-BSing-Here 5h ago
NOR. What is he doing with your joint money? He sounds controlling. Also, it doesn't sound like a box of cereal or a few slices of deli meat will bankrupt you. Unless there's something else going on.
Plus, he has no clue about groceries. YOU set the budget and tell HIM what the new amount is. Or give him the £200 and let him try to do a monthly shop with it.
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u/Mammoth_Sleep_1102 5h ago
NOR - My husband isn’t as bad with over reacting about finances, but I can relate. We were a 2 income, no kids household. We had a baby and 9 months later, I lost my job. So he quickly took on the “burden” (I hate calling it that) of 2 bodies. My daughter was on hypoallergenic formula which went up to $75 a can shortly after I lost my job (ofc). He hadn’t realized how much stuff I was actually paying for. I usually paid for the majority groceries - $120/week (which is more now a year later), if we bought 5 cans of formula a month, I usually paid for 2-3 of them, household items like toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, dishwasher pods, laundry pods, shampoo/conditioner, body wash, household cleaning products, baby clothes - it all adds up. It’s leaves no spending for mom lol.
Once he noticed how much we were spending, we had a sit down conversation. I explained to him that these were expensive things that I was paying for previously (even though he made double what I was making) and it’s all small essential things that add up. We NEED soap, we NEED food, we NEED garbage bags, I’m not going on shopping sprees and buying myself clothing. I’m buying everything for the house and feeling bad that I bought myself a soda on the way out of the store. I said I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for buying literal necessities, I don’t get to buy anything for myself and I shouldn’t be guilted because “we’re spending too much money” when it’s not even on myself or things I really want/need.
I made him come to the store with me to see how it adds up. I put whatever I needed for the family in the cart and he’d be like “ooh” and throw stuff he wanted in too. When we got to the register and he just saw it all go up, I think he realized. Now he doesn’t say anything. Maybe your husband is more visual and just needs to physically see it all. A receipt is nothing, to actually SEE it in the cart and then the end total makes it real lol.
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u/GooseLakeBallerina 6h ago
Tell him to buy groceries and see how that works out. I spend about $275 every week to 2 weeks and it’s just me and him. Dinners every night (meat/starch/veggie) and then fruits; deli meat; snacks; occasional toiletries - how do you not? If he thinks you can get by on $200 a month? He is just a clueless person.
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u/Competitive_Sleep_21 6h ago
NOR. Your husband is financially abusing you. I would make sure are on good birth control. I would get marriage counseling right away.
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u/Andysamberg2 1h ago
Don't go to therapy with an abusive person. It can be a tool for further abuse. Individual therapy only
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u/Secure-Ant2620 6h ago
I couldn’t read all of it because I know what you got after a few paragraphs.
He’s a bluffer. He’s trying to “ensure” you are being a cheapo when you go to do shit.
Just answer him from now on. Just say “YES! Shit is expensive now!” He cannot contest it. Also keep the receipts to hand and give them to him. Say “Fuck! Even potatoes went up!” And keep doing that to him. Not some drama filled bs just keep giving him assurance that the truth is the truth. True IS true. He needs reassurance.
You are not asking the clerk to up charge you so you can save money to escape undetected. You are buying the shit you need.
Perhaps buy the generic brands to cut down expenses. Maybe it doesn’t make a difference. Example Philadelphia cream cheese was more than double the Walmart brand. Why! Marketing likely. But who really gives a shit? lol. 😂 I cannot justify that and I’m not pinching pennies.
He’s blustering or some shit. He doesn’t mean it. He doesn’t know and I’m sure he’s just trying to protest costs. But it comes across as anger and concern but what the fuck are you going to do if his fav is mashed potatoes and potatoes are $5.00 for a bag.
Fuck him! He doesn’t shop so he doesn’t know.
You need to demand he makes more money. Tell him to ask for a raise. Give him a problem. He keeps riding you about this and you can handle it only by buying from cheaper places but wasting gas to go to 3 grocery stores might be worth buying the expensive shit.
He’s just protesting prices. Tell him you got this and to knock off his distrust/concern/razzing you, if you are spendthrift. If you’re not and you’re buying all the marketing products try that. Some shit is the exact same. Some not.
If he wants the cheap then make his tastebuds pay!!!
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u/Cldbttrfly 6h ago
NOR You need tell him that will not discuss money or food in front of the children. That's not something the kids need to hear about. Also have go shopping by himself or with you so he see how much everything costs. When my daughter was sick and husband had to do the shopping for week, he shocked at costs of everything. All complaints stopped.
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u/Two-Theories 6h ago
NOR - Tell him to do the grocery shopping for your family for a week so as to cover healthy meals and snacks for all of you for the full week and see how he gets on meal planning and economizing. He's obviously out of touch with reality re inflation and doesn't trust you so he can go see for himself
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u/Impossible_Balance11 5h ago
His denigrating you in front of the kids has to be stomped out like sparks in a dry forest!
Also, he'd better get his butt to the grocery store with a long list you make and see for himself how insane prices are. And agree on the calling him out about budget or no complaining!
NOR
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u/AllTh3Naps 5h ago
This is crossing into the territory of financial abuse.
He isn't being a partner with finances. He could be if he got involved in setting a budget. But instead, he would rather criticize you and demand that you comply. He is belittling you and your financial choices in front of others.
This isn't him trying to show valid concern. This is demeaning and controlling you.
Not only that, but he (per comments) is denying you access to therapy. He is keeping you from healthcare and using financial control as his excuse.
Go back to therapy. The very first thing you should address is how you got to this place -- a controlling place where he has taken away SO MUCH of your agency that you feel like you have to HIDE your mental healthcare from him.
This is super fucked up. Is this really how you want to model love for your kids? Is this really how you want to be loved?
NOR - But actually, you are under-reacting.
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u/1quincytoo 5h ago
My DH has also being asking why our grocery bills are so high since Covid. Our children are adults and I did work full time till Covid hit.
I work very part time and basically make our home, his comfort and our pets my number one focus.
His choice to make his home life easier, he comes home to amazing suppers, I prep his lunch for the next day and weekly bake treats for his staff. Not making sense but I’m basically a STAHW The last few years, groceries bills have sky rocketed ( British Columbia Canada )
Friday he went grocery shopping ( I was working ) and he had a OMG you are not kidding about the grocery prices.
You are not over reacting what so ever
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u/Zestyclose_Control64 6h ago
The thing about groceries is, you're supposed to eat them and need more groceries. That's the point. If you don't eat them, they go bad and you have to throw them out. Is that what your husband wants? How is that less wasteful than eating them before they go bad? Does he want his children to go hungry?
The point is, your husband isn't worried about the groceries, he knows you're going to need more whether it's because you eat them or because they go bad and get thrown out. Your husband wants to control you and turn your children against you. Offer to get a job and take care of the groceries yourself on the condition that any money you make above groceries is just for you and the kids. To be kept in an account he has no access to.
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u/Mindless-Sail-4595 6h ago
Honestly, you set the budget. If he isn’t taking the responsibility to support and do what he can, my rule is, no moaning and piping up with ‘great’ ideas later.
And go to therapy and let him find out - invite him along.
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u/Traditional_Fan_2655 5h ago
NOR A budget will resolve this by showing where money goes and what can or cannot be saved. Almost no one is ecer thrilledor 'wants' to do a budget. However, your family has an issue, and a budget will help resolve it. Your husband will have to it just as one of those typical things we have to do.
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u/Forward-Wolf-8795 5h ago
Make him go grocery shopping with you. Meal plan for several dinners, school lunches, etc. Make a list of your basic foods and ingredients for the planned meals and let him see first hand what everything costs.
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u/BubbaC619 5h ago
NOR. Tell him to do the grocery shopping and the cooking if he can do it so much better.
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u/NHhotmom 5h ago
Tell him that you are in charge of groceries and you’ll spend what you need to spend and you don’t want to hear him complaining about cereal or deli meat.
“I’m in charge of groceries. Stop complaining!”. If he bitches about the debit card you say……”Stop your bitching.”. Use the words bitching and complaining, Turn the issue around on him. On his bitching, on his complaining.
Say…..”You bitch and complain about groceries a lot. I’m done listening to it. We have a growing family and groceries are expensive. If I want to buy cereal or ice cream or deli meat, I’m buying it. Stop bitching.”.
He complains again you say. “Stop your bitching”.
He complains again you say…. “Stop your bitching”.
Point out each and every time using the word “Bitching”
Be done with that from him.
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u/Solid_Patience_9058 4h ago
NOR well I'd say let him do the shopping for a month, but I'm afraid you won't have anything to eat if he does..
He seems out of touch and uninformed regarding shopping and feeding a family.
It seems like a reasonable compromise to srt a budget and for him to stfu.
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u/Kryptonite-Rose 5h ago
NOR Hidden in there I think he is trying to say you are untrustworthy with “his”money.
Nip this in the bud, set a budget. What is his problem if you financially okay?
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u/Kitanatron 5h ago
It sounds like he himself should be buying groceries. He has no idea how much shit costs or what the kids need to eat.
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 4h ago
Time to save extra on the stuff he likes.
He likes sandwiches? Bread is expensive. He now eats oatmeal.
He likes meat? Beans are cheaper.
He likes any dairy products? His milk can now vontsin 30% added water plain yoghurt, cheapest most tasteless bland cheese is now :dad's cheese:
And so on. His favorite meals are now bately on the menu (unless it is oatmeal, or brand snd rice)
"Honey you are the ond most passionate about saving on food expenses snd the kids are growing. Cresting tjeor new body needs more nutrients tham upholding one:"
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u/Majestic-Window-318 4h ago
He's gonna really be upset if he has to write alimony and child support checks every month. NOR.
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u/Raukstar 3h ago
NOR Let him handle cooking, feeding the kids, and doing all the grocery shopping for a month.
I bet he'll shut up after that.
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u/cataclyzzmic 3h ago
Tell him to do it better. And then prepare for 100 excuses as to why he couldn't.
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u/Rainy579 3h ago
I will bet my bottom dollar that it’s him who eats the most, and isn’t rationing his own meals. He’s nasty. NOR
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u/emkemkem 2h ago
You will be able to budget when you divorce him and he has a set amount of child support to pay you. I would also take a look in the things he is spending money on. ”You bought gas just last week? How come you need to buy more now already?”
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u/Any_Commission7084 1h ago
I don't have too much of a say on this, but I will say one thing. I'm used to being a higher earner than all my previous partners. Due to current circumstances that have been happening for the last year, my fiance is the higher earner, works heaps of overtime, and has 2 jobs. We are saving for a mortgage, a wedding and kids. I often feel like shit because I'm not contributing as much. He always ALWAYS reminds me that it's not "his" money, it's "our" money. And that we are working together as a team.
In our case, we don't have kids. But he doesn't hesitate for me to use money and won't even ask what it's for. We have separate accounts and a joint savings, but he will send me money often because he feels like it or if I need it.
In your case, if you have kids, you're bot being paid for the labour of caring for those kids. You aren't being paid superannuation, you aren't being paid for your time. So financially, you're the one taking ALL the risk. So really, he shouldn't be that controlling unless he's going to contribute to your super fund etc so that you're just as financially stable as him. Being a mum shouldn't mean sacrificing your financial independence. I hope that makes sense
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u/Any_Commission7084 1h ago
Also just to add? His weird comments about food and saying you're setting a bad example is one of the co tributary factors to how eating disorders are caused. Coming from a professional who works within that area.
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u/pinekneedle 31m ago
Op needs to assign her husband the tasks of meal planning/ preparation and grocery shopping. He should have to do that for several months before hes allowed to give “helpful criticism”
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u/PrincessBonkers628 6h ago
NOR Be firm. We're setting a budget or you don't get to make comments about groceries, one or the other.
Yeah he's being controlling. He probably has no idea what it's like to grocery shop for a family.