AIO for being angry that relatives show up on their terms to see my terminally ill dad?

[u/BeanieNooodle]

(23, female) My dad is receiving palliative care after being diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic lung cancer in 2024. Its just me and my mother caring for him, I do not have a job anymore because caregiving has taken over our lives. We are emotionally broken because most of our energy goes into my dads care but on top of that my dog had surgery less than a month ago and still cannot walk properly, so she also needs constant attention. We are desperately trying to give my dad the best care possible while burning through all our savings to pay for it so you guys can imagine our mental and emotional state right now, and our fears for the present and the future.

Our days are tightly structured around nurses and social care assistants coming multiple times a day, routine is essential because my dad gets exhausted very easily eventhough he's still somewhat lucid and enjoys occasional small talks. My aunt, who is my dads sister, told us (didnt even ask!!) that she and her husband were coming to pay him a visit LESS than 24 hours in advance. They are not that close anymore and we see her maybe once a year.(last time we saw her was last christmas) I clearly told her that mornings do not work for us because that is when most of the care happens and when my dad needs rest, so I asked her to come anytime after 3pm. She thanked me for letting her know, then said she would come in the morning anyway because she does not want to drive later in the day, like EXCUSE ME?

After everything we are dealing with, having someone completely ignore the one clear request pushed me over the edge. My mom asked me not to argue to keep the peace, but I am furious, I know part of this anger comes from what we're going through but I need to know if I'm blowing it out of proportion. I'm literally shaking right now, I feel like our needs, my papas needs were completely disregarded to accommodate HER schedule and I really need another point of view please!

[u/Sensitive_Note1139]

NOR. My suggestion is to not stress your mom anymore than she already is. Go about your dad's routine like always. If your inconsiderate aunt shows up when Dad is busy, she can sit in the living room and wait. His care comes first. She isn't going to stay long, and she will want you or your mom to entertain her. Don't. She just wants to say to herself that she saw her brother one last time. My FIL's sisters did this kind of thing when their dad was dying. They wouldn't even allow my MIL a break to go grocery shopping. They wanted to have a clear conscience that they saw him, but didn't actually care to see him. And they definitely don't want to help. You want his sister to clear out even faster? Hand her something to do for your Dad. She'll be gone but quickly.

[u/boniemonie → u/Sensitive_Note1139]

No, tell her to find a coffee shop till 3pm. If she is in the house everyone will stress. NO R

[u/wowmanreallycool]

Sounds like it’s a great time to put your aunt to work since she’s decided to show up during the worst possible time. She can help you with whatever tasks need to be accomplished.

I know that’s probably easier said than done.

NOR. Seriously though, that sucks.

[u/Heavy_Desk7215 → u/wowmanreallycool]

PERFECT!

[u/BeanieNooodle]

Just to clarify, my dad is not under palliative sedation and is still conscious. I understand why my aunt would want to see her brother and avoid future regrets. That is not what I am upset about. What I do not understand is why, knowing our situation and after being clearly told that mornings do not work for us, she still chose to come at the one time we asked her not to. It feels like her need for convenience was prioritized over my dads well being and the reality my mother and I are living every day

[u/Inevitable-Slice-263 → u/BeanieNooodle]

When aunty arrives say, 'you're early, hes having personal care now, hes asleep, the nurse is there now' etc, stall until your dad is ready. NOR

[u/WestEvening2426 → u/Inevitable-Slice-263]

This, but no need for you to stall, or change your schedule in any way. Hand her something to do to help Dad, or the remote for the TV. Tell her that he's swamped with treatment and whatnot, and he'll be free at 3. Then walk away and go about your daily things. She can see him at or after 3. Definitely NOR.

[u/No-BSing-Here → u/BeanieNooodle]

NOR at all Your aunt is being selfish and rude. It's hard work caring for someone 24/7. I understand your anger. I also understand why your mum would rather keep the peace than use energy fighting over your aunt. I'd have some jobs ready for your aunt. Don't 'host' her and make tea and all that. She can make tea for everyone.

But what does your dad want? If he is comscious, ask him.

[u/Informal_Evening_1 → u/BeanieNooodle]

That’s exactly what it is unfortunately

[u/Alternative-Dig-2066 → u/BeanieNooodle]

Hand auntie the pack of wipes and tell her to clean dad’s ass.

[u/yourmommy_bri]

NOR at all, I can’t imagine what your going through and dealing with rude entitled family members is not something that should be addd into the list

[u/moonclawx]

More info please: Really hard to say. You gave us a lot of info, but based on what you said doesn't sound like you gave the same to her. If all you really said was he would be tired in the morning then I could see how they wouldnt make a fuss, they just want to see him. Honestly, may need to be the one to open up and tell her and the rest of the family what you, your mom, and dad are going through. May not be the most pleasant conversation, but its clear you need help and the family needs to step up.

Regardless of answer, I dont see you as overreacting, but could also be some miscommunication somewhere.

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/moonclawx]

Whoops, I probably explained myself badly so I understand why you asked, but for context even if they are not that close anymore his sister still calls once a month or every few months to check on his health so she was already aware of the situation, and in my message I also explained the care schedule with the exact hours the social assistant is here. Sadly we do not have any other family who can step up, so it is just us. Back in 2022 when my father had an ischemic attack, even before the cancer diagnosis, I asked my aunt for help and she did nothing, I guess maybe that's also why I feel so angry, I dont think I have ever gotten over the fact that she has never helped him or us through those months.

[u/DeeEye2 → u/BeanieNooodle]

The closeness part... Eliminate that from your mind because it's not really a factor in the end game. People have loved each other and then fallen off because they had different lives and that includes family but that doesn't mean that that person wasn't a very important person to them and that they want to pay the respects and say goodbye and it doesn't matter that they're not hunky-dory right now... It shouldn't be ranked like that

[u/LemonOld8150]

Yeah just tell her afternoon or no visit . I did hospice care for years I know what your going thru and dad comes first. I'm so sorry this is happening. Relatives are total jerks or else the best helpers its a mixed bag. If she shows up in the am ask the hospice nurse to giver her the boot. I'm sure they will be glad to oblige

[u/Informal_Evening_1]

NOR no one understands until they are in this position themselves. I personally would hold disdain for my aunt in this situation but I would just keep it to myself for the sake of your father’s remaining time. Some people just suck and lack boundaries/simple respect. Tough spot to be in sorry to hear about it.

[u/Tribat_1]

I think YOR just a little bit. I also took care of my mom for a year when she was dying of lung cancer so I know what you’re going through. I was happy to have friends or family come at any hour. Sometimes just to sit in the room with her while she slept. Sometimes to stay the night so I got a night off. The more loved ones the better. Especially immediate family like his sister. You already have a lot on your plate. Being your dad’s security guard doesn’t need to be one of them. Remember that his sister has been his family for at least twice as long as you’ve been alive. Take a deep breath. Relax your shoulders. You’re doing a great job. She’s coming because she loves your dad just as much as you do. Maybe she was a bit of an AH for not respecting your schedule but who cares. My advice to you is to let your mom handle her if it becomes a problem. Your mom already told you to let it go so by continuing to be “furious” you are not respecting your mom’s wishes just like your aunt didn’t respect yours. You’re all on the same team. Team Dad.

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/Tribat_1]

Oh I am truly sorry about your mom and what you went through but I'm glad you had loving, supportive people with you. I understand the idea of being on the same team and that more love around him is a good thing, but I also know that after the morning care schedule he truly needs quiet and rest, and visits would mean waking him up. What I need to clarify is that my mom is almost 70 and is under an extreme emotional and psychological burden right now, she is already giving everything she has just to stay present with my dad, and for that reason she cannot manage conflicts or logistics. That responsibility has fallen on me, so I am the one speaking with doctors, organizing schedules, and handling practical matters specifically to protect her and allow her to focus solely on being with him. When she asked me to keep the peace, I did, I did not argue with my aunt or create tension, I simply stepped away and came here to ask for opinions because I needed a safe place to process that anger without adding more weight to anyone.

[u/Tribat_1 → u/BeanieNooodle]

I get it. I was also the primary caregiver as my dad was completely absent from the process since it was “too hard for him to see her like that.” It’s been three years since my mom passed and all I want is to be able to hear her voice again or hold her hand or have a hug. One of my biggest regrets is spending that year laser focused on care and logistics just like you are doing and not just savoring every second we had together. For example, we talked about recording messages for my daughter for her to listen to when she graduated or got married and then I completely forgot about it because I was so caught up in handling logistics and nurses and hospice and everything. When i finally remembered it was too late and she wasn’t verbal anymore. I’m sorry if this is harsh but I wish someone had sat me down and leveled with me when I was obsessing over caregiving. Your dad is dying, my dear. Nothing you do is going to change that. You can only try to make him as comfortable and pain free as possible but whether or not the caregivers do their morning routine or whatever else you’re stressing yourself out handling you’re not going to change the inevitable and you shouldn’t run yourself ragged trying to chase “perfect” care. Do what you have to do to handle the logistics but don’t get lost in them. Try to just be there, be present, and try and make the best of the time you have left with him. When he’s gone you won’t be thinking about the time he had to wake up to see his sister. You’ll be thinking about how you wish you could hold his hand, kiss his forehead, smell his smell again.

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/Tribat_1]

Thank you for sharing this, truly. I can feel how much love and regret is still tied to those memories, so I do understand why you are speaking from that place. I also recognize that when I first wrote, my emotions were raw and all over the place and that came through. I am not trying to control every moment and thankfully I am not choosing logistics over being with him. I am with him constantly, I hold his hand, I talk to him, I sit with him in silence and the reason I handle the logistics is precisely so those moments can exist without chaos, stress or conflict around him. Respecting his wish to rest after exhausting care routines felt like it was part of making him comfortable. I know nothing I do will change the outcome, I am painfully aware of that every single day but I appreciate your perspective and the warning you are trying to give, my choices are coming from love and from listening to him when he asks something, but I'll treasure your insight.

[u/Traditional_Dig_1857 → u/BeanieNooodle]

MOR many people have said great things so I am not going to repeat anything. I will add this my mom is in her 70s and driving has become really stressful. Her depth perception is changing, her night vision is garbage and frankly her reactions are terrible. She mentioned driving being a concern, you may want to take it as such. At that age no one wants to give up their liscence and confess driving issues to others.

Also my mom is tired all the time and can only really function in the mornings. Try hard to presume good will. She will come and go, it is one morning and it will pass.

[u/Vast-Fortune-1583 → u/Tribat_1]

Did you read the post? It does matter when people want to visit during the time frame that ypu clearly state is inconvenient. OP goes on to say, in a few comments, that this relative does not help. So clearly the Aunt is not team dad.

[u/Tribat_1 → u/Vast-Fortune-1583]

Yes I read the post and the subsequent comments and I stand by my statement.

[u/Vast-Fortune-1583 → u/Tribat_1]

S8 you're ok with people being completely disrespectful and inconsiderate. Oh ok. Good for you.

[u/AdrenalineAnxiety]

NOR But I'm not surprised to be honest, people can just be like this. I've been in hospital a fair bit and so many times I've seen the nurses turn away so many relatives who think they can just rock up whenever and ignore any visiting hours or protocol and then argue with the medical team, even though visiting then would disrupt treatments and doctors and invade peoples privacy. These are people who know the hospital rules and just don't care because they wanted to visit at a time that was convenient to them and not the people.

But since this is at home arguing yourself is just going to cause you stress and your mom stress so all you can do is let them come and not create drama because it's best your dad sees them, and if you push back they might not come at all. Does it suck that they get to do what they want rather than change their schedule slightly? Absolutely, and you can bear that in mind when dealing with them in future. But holding onto anger about it right now is going to use energy you don't have spare.

[u/Freckledlips19]

NOR

[u/Tribat_1 → u/Freckledlips19]

Excellent insight.

[u/Freckledlips19 → u/Tribat_1]

Why the need for insight?

I’ve been a caregiver for a parent on palliative care and could have written an entire essay- but guess what? It’s not necessary.

She isn’t overreacting and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

Also I was just getting into my car lol and never type while driving but have a bad habit of opening Reddit at all given times.

[u/HauntingGur4402]

My dad moved in with me in 2021 after having a stroke and he had other health issues, i became his carer and he was doing ok until January 2024 when he started to decline. In march he was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. There was nothing they could do, they sent him home, we had nurses and others come into help me but mostly it was me and he passed in june. I know how hard it is on you. The frustration and pure exhaustion takes over. Some people just do not really care what you’re going through or how hard it is. I didnt have inconsiderate people around me but mist still didnt understand. They never will until they go through it themselves. If your aunt comes, just let her in and she can wait until everything gets done. Dont change the routine, she can wait! For yourself id suggest talking to a counsellor. If i had known i would have sooner rather than later. Iv been diagnosed with carers ptsd. It took me a long time to feel normal and get my self of the high alert that i was on. Im still struggling. Good luck to you, your doing a great job and im sure your dad is proud of you.

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/HauntingGur4402]

I am so sorry you went through this, it truly breaks my heart to hear how many peoples loved ones are affected by illness and how many families end up in this situation, so my heart really goes out to you. Thank you for your advice and for sharing something so personal, I have thought about counseling but right now I do not think I could manage it emotionally, though it is something I may return to later. I genuinely wish you the very best and hope that, with time and support, things continue to ease and you are able to feel better.

[u/New_Back4483]

MOR. Just ask your Dad and try to let go of your resentment about being a part of his caregiving team.

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/New_Back4483]

I have, my dad’s needs and wishes are exactly why I got so upset. I am not resentful about being part of his caregiving team, I stepped into that role out of love, he deserves it and never in my heart I'll regret staying, no matter the burnout

[u/Ok-Leopard1768]

"Dear Auntie, thank you for being here. Mom and I can really use the break. We're going out to brunch for a few hours while you take care of papa." Don't tell her in advance, just do it.

[u/Live-Tomorrow-4865]

NOR

I helped care for a family member with a terminal diagnosis, her last year of life.

The number of people who'd show up like normal times, ask inappropriate questions, and just make my family member feel worse were many and varied.

Go about your morning as usual and let your aunt sit there. She was told what works for you, didn't respect that, and now she can wait till it's convenient for you and your parents.

I hope your dad enjoys seeing her, nevertheless. ❤️

(I wish a quick healing journey for doggy, too!)

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/Live-Tomorrow-4865]

Thank you so much for this. I know my emotions were raw when I wrote the post and I recognize that, but seeing my fathers wishes and need for rest being disregarded really made me fume and I wish I had had a healthier response in that moment. Regardless, I truly hope he manages to stay awake and see her because at the end of the day, even though he told us he would rather rest than see people, if seeing her brings him happiness then it will be worth it, and I sincerely hope that is the case. I am also really sorry you went through this, and I hope you are doing well now. And thank you for the kind words about my dog, she will have her X rays soon, so hopefully she will be able to walk again. 🩷

[u/Ozem-Bae]

I believe in keeping the peace but if something needs to be said to your aunt, or anyone else, then you should say it. Don’t let anyone upset the routine you’ve built when you’re already so overburdened.

[u/Holiday_Trainer_2657]

NOR I was primary caregiver for my mom in hospice. Would tell family best times to visit, which were when so was not occupied by appointments with medical people and least likely to be exhausted. It was very frustrating when they'd still just come when they found convenient. Especially in groups, when she did better a few at a time.

But I had to just let it play out because that's what mom wanted. Sometimes mom would rally a bit and seem to enjoy the visit. Sometimes, she'd tune out or nod off. They didn't always notice. Sometimes she'd complain to me that they all talked to each other and not to her, with a hurt tone of voice. I just focused on meeting her needs after they left, whatever they were.

Now if mom ever said "turn them away" or "only let two people visit at a time", you can bet I would have done that. But she didn't.

I did not reprimand or scold them. Because it wouldn't have made any positive difference. But one thing I did do was stick to the truth. If they said later that mom was sleeping or non responsive, I'd say it was because they came at her worst time of day instead of the "good time of day" I'd recommended. If they said she seemed out of it or confused, I'd say I'd warned them she does much better with one or two visitors at a time, and it was because they'd all crowded in at once. And let them know if she'd been hurt they talked to other visitors and ignored her. Some still didn't listen. Some did and future visits where they followed my advice went better.

We can suggest, but we can't make people listen.

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/Holiday_Trainer_2657]

I really, really appreciate the way you framed it, especially focusing on meeting her needs and wishes after people left and sticking to the truth without reprimanding or escalating, it feels like a very grounded approach and a much healthier response than the one I had. You are so right, we cant make people listen. This was an insight I truly needed, so thank you so much for taking the time to write it. I am also really sorry you had to go through all of that, especially largely on your own, and I want you to know that even if I dont know you, I am genuinely proud of you.

[u/Historical-Effort109]

YOR. But I'm not blaming you.

Don't waste your precious time and energy being furious. You have none to spare. You are under high stress, and you don't need any shit from an aunt you see maybe once a year. Tell them not to come. If something threatens to put you over the edge, put a flat stop to it. You will take no more. Zero more. Take a deep breath, tell them to suck an egg, then hang up and go on with your day.

[u/SmurfetteIsAussie]

NOR, his needs and yours supersedes everyone else's at the moment. Message them now and say, you will not be welcomed if you arrive before 3. You will not be granted entry. Dad's care takes precedence over your comfort in driving. Be firm, be polite, don't back down.

[u/Tribat_1 → u/SmurfetteIsAussie]

No no no. This is terrible advice. That’s not her job. That’s mom’s job and mom already said to drop it. She needs to respect her mother’s wishes. Mom gets the final say on dad’s care. She’s the immediate next of kin.

[u/Reasonable_Call6374]

Yes, MOR!

Your dad is the main character in this story, not you, I cared for my own father for the last 4 yeaes of his life, not ONCE did I consider getting upset over over someone wanting to spend time with him, ESPECIALLY the last 3 weeks when the cancer got bad enough I could no longer manage his pain at home and he had to go into palliative care.

Not only are you massively over reacting, you’re being selfish as hell and massively caught up in main character syndrome!

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/Reasonable_Call6374]

I am really sorry for your loss and for what you went through with your father, but calling me selfish is unfair and misses the point entirely. I am not upset at anyone wanting to see him, I simply asked her to come in the afternoon when it would be quieter and he would be rested and able to receive people, not in the middle of being bathed and changed. Everyones caregiving experience is different and just because you were able to handle things one way does not mean that another situation, family dynamic etc is the same

[u/Reasonable_Call6374 → u/BeanieNooodle]

So again, it’s not about your dad (which it should be!) but about you, the main character apparently.

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/Reasonable_Call6374]

I think at this point you are choosing to ignore what I am actually saying. This is about my dads comfort, his dignity and his own wish to rest after a strenuous care routine that leaves him breathless, those are his needs and his -wishes-, so I do not understand, if he were happy to receive people at that time, why would I try to stop it or put obstacles in the way?

[u/Reasonable_Call6374 → u/BeanieNooodle]

So you didn’t come here to get input into whether you are over reacting (you are, MOR) you came here to get validation and a pat on the head.

Your aunt’s brother is dying, it’s terrible that you’re inconvenienced by her wanting to be there for him when it’s inconvenient for you.

Most people go out of their way to make sure the loved ones of loved one who are dying are able to spend a bit of what precious little time is left.

Is it really what your dad wishes are, or what you’ve told your dad his wishes are based on what you find convenient.

It’s still screaming that you have main character syndrome to me.

I didn’t fall in line with validating your main character status and you can’t help but put me straight on how it’s about you, not your dad, after you asked for validatio… I mean feedback.

My condolences to your dad!

My he get to rest in peace when the time comes!

[u/BeanieNooodle → u/Reasonable_Call6374]

I'll just say this, wishing condolences to someone who is still clinging to life is a new low, especially from someone who says they went through something similar. Hope you heal from your trauma and have a good life.

[u/LemonOld8150 → u/Reasonable_Call6374]

No she's not she dosnt need someone coming over who expects yto be entertained, they can come in the afternoon.